


Gleams that untravell'd world

by zinjadu



Series: And not to yield [2]
Category: Mass Effect - All Media Types, Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Action/Adventure, Angst, Ass-Kicking, Biotic Shepard (Mass Effect), Car Chases, Colonist (Mass Effect), Crew as Family, F/M, Female Friendship, Fights, Fluff, Gen, Male-Female Friendship, Mass Effect 1, Memory Weirdness, Mind whammy, Prothean Beacon, Slow Burn, Sole Survivor (Mass Effect), Zahra Shepard is kind of crazy, kaidan speaks French, lowkey biotic play, mostly in a good way
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-24
Updated: 2020-06-04
Packaged: 2021-02-28 06:00:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 30
Words: 37,158
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22818904
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zinjadu/pseuds/zinjadu
Summary: From the moment the Prothean Beacon hit Zarha Shepard's brain, nothing was ever going to be the same.  Not her life, and certainly not the space inside her own head.  And if that wasn't enough, now she's got a crew that's worming their way past her usual defenses.Nothing ever turns out like she thought it would.  And maybe that's not so bad this time.Fic is fully drafted, updates Mondays and Thursdays.   Most chapters are short and snappy.
Relationships: Female Shepard & Ashley Williams, Female Shepard & David Anderson, Female Shepard & Garrus Vakarian, Female Shepard & Liara T'Soni, Female Shepard & Tali'Zorah nar Rayya, Female Shepard & Urdnot Wrex, Jeff "Joker" Moreau & Female Shepard, Kaidan Alenko & Ashley Williams, Kaidan Alenko/Female Shepard, Kaidan Alenko/Shepard
Series: And not to yield [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1604602
Comments: 146
Kudos: 23





	1. Memory

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Memories never go away, they always leave a mark.

The beacon slammed into Zahra like a dreadnought of biotic force, driving her breath from her body. Her skin didn’t just tingle, it cracked like lightning, making her teeth rattle and filling her nose with the scent of ozone. The beacon had her by the throat and lifted, her feet dangling, useless. Her lungs ached for air, but she couldn’t gasp in a single breath. 

The air shimmered around the beacon, and she tried to look away, to shut her eyes, but it wouldn’t let her. Light wormed under her eyelids and forced them open, to see, to know, to feel—

_ She’s back on the landing pad. On Mindoir. Mom’s dead in the kitchen, her guts spilled out from a shotgun round. Dad’s dead at the door, bullet right between the eyes. But Karima and Norah were still alive. With her dying breath Mom told her where the slavers were as blood bubbled from between her lips.  _

_ Zahra closed her hand around the rifle and ran. _

Her body jerked, flung hard against nothing, and her muscles tense. Fighting, always fighting. The static charge of her own biotics built up, but there was nothing to fire them at. Nothing to launch  _ herself _ at—

_ The giant ship descends. The Reaper is death incarnate, and she knows this. Knows this from the hundred eyes that see the same kind of ship come among them and lay waste to planet after planet. Their screams are high and thready, scraping across her skin like razor wire, making her bleed as they bleed. _

Convulsions wracked her body; she grit her teeth and strained against the force of the images. But they were coming too fast, and lodged themselves deep. Mere seconds imparted lifetimes, and those lifetimes were bound up in another— 

_ The batarian strikes a boy with the butt of a rifle and he goes down hard against the links of the cage. Zahra doesn’t know what to do. _

_ The Reaper-soldier curls its hand into a fist and punches through the chest of her comrade. He goes down, and she bares her teeth in a snarl and raises her rifle. _

_ “Alliance have pushed through! Evac now!” one of the batarians says. “What about them?” another asks. There is a blank, soulless glance out of too many eyes. “Get rid of them.” Karima presses Norah’s face to her chest and closes her eyes. _

_ The Reaper’s long tentacles grapple her ship and begin to crush it. The bulkhead groans under the strain, and soon begins to buckle under the inexorable force. There was never any doubt about how this would end, and she screams as she meets her death. She is not afraid, no, she is— _

_ Defiant, Zahra screams and opens fire with a rifle twenty years old. The batarians bark in their hideous language with their terrible mouths full of too-sharp teeth, and they aim their weapons at her. She grunts as something hot and wet strikes her shoulder, the world suddenly at odd angles— _

_ The pulse, the hum, is relentless, and her hands pressed over her ears do nothing to stop it. _

_ The door is blown off its hinges by the grenade, shrapnel flying, tearing across her face. _

_ The charging mass of Reaper-soldiers do not stop, never stop, and she fires her weapon. _

_ The building shakes— _

_ The world burns— _

_ There is a cry— _

_ A scream— _

_ The rifle drops from Zahra’s nerveless fingers onto the concrete landing pad. Two girls are curled around each other not fifty feet away, but they’re not right. Their dark eyes are open but empty, and their lips are too red. Her eyes are heavy, and she falls forward. The next thing she knows—  _

Zahra flinched away from the harsh overhead light of the medbay. Medbays smelled the same the Alliance over, and she’d been in enough of them to know. With a grunt and a determined shove, she pushed herself upright on the bed. The doc started talking, and the lieutenant hovered nearby, his shoulders so tense he practically vibrated.

“Welcome back, Commander,” the doc said. Zahra shook her head. Scrambled. Like eggs. Her stomach churned at the thought of food, and she veered away sharply only to fight past another flurry of impressions from the beacon. Her memory flickered back and forth between red-tinged images that were in her head but not hers and the night her sisters had died on a landing pad. Figures that creepy, ominous notes in a bottle from a long dead race about the end of the of everything  _ would _ latch onto that day.

Zahra scrubbed a hand over her face and ran her tongue along her teeth. They buzzed. “How exactly did I get back?” Her voice was raspy, like she’d spent the whole time she’d been unconscious screaming.

The lieutenant stepped forward. “Williams and I carried you back, ma’am.” 

One black brow quirked up, and she quashed the temptation to ask which one of them had actually carried her, and if it had been Alliance-recommended fireman carry, or if they’d gone for the princess option.

“Thanks,” she said instead. “Appreciate it.”

The lights were still too harsh, and she would have given a lot for a hammer to smash them right about then. There was more talk, she gave rote answers, Anderson came in, and then she gave it to him straight.

“They’re called Reapers, sir. And this whole thing has gone so wrong, we’re well past FUBAR. We got a fun acronym for the twentieth-something step beyond that? If not, we really should come up with one.”

“Hm, tell you what, I’ll work on that in my spare time, but how about I focus on presenting our evidence against Saren to the Council?”

“You’re the captain, sir. Wouldn’t dream of telling you how to do the job.” She smirked past the icicle of pain between her eyes. Just keep going, keep moving. She’d be fine.

Anderson huffed. “Thanks, Shepard. Can always count on you.”

“That’s why you hired me, isn’t it?”

He shook his head and sighed in a way that was so familiar, it eased the dense, angry knot that sat in her chest. Had sat in her chest since that night on the landing pad on Mindoir. Most of the time she didn’t even notice it anymore, it was just a part of life. But that beacon with its Prothean mind fuck had dredged it all up and flung it in her face at escape velocity.

The sting would go away eventually.


	2. Reason

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How did Anderson know who to pick for his XO and Specter candidate? This is how.

“I read your suit telemitry.” 

Alenko and Williams were already out the door, and it was just her and Anderson. He stood with his back to her, eyes taking in the bright, gleaming Presidium. 

“Gonna have to run that by me again, sir.” Zahra joined him on the balcony. They both knew that the gleam wasn’t more than skin deep around here, but it was still nice to look at.

“You asked me once why I came to get you personally.”

“Yeah, and you said it was because the deadline was that day, and couldn’t wait around for a back and forth messaging. Guessing it wasn’t that.”

“Oh, that part was true enough. They’d been debating sending you the offer until next year. They wanted you to clear through psych first. But if I got you, well. Hard to argue when you were already there.” Brown eyes glittered, and his mouth stretched in a mischievous grin. 

Anyone else would’ve gotten a raised eyebrow and crossed arms, but this was Anderson. He’d gotten her into N-school, he’d pushed her past what even they demanded, taught her how to be a CO by example not by rote, and, on the rare occasions she felt like sharing, had  _ listened _ . 

And she was about to take his ship and the honor that should have been his out into the galaxy and chase down the bastard that had screwed him over  _ twice _ .

Because it was Anderson, she grinned right back at him and asked, “So what’s that got to do with my suit telemitry?” 

“You were alone, Shepard, and staring down the face of a pretty nasty death. By all rights you should’ve been out of your mind. No one would’ve blamed you for it. But you just stared up at this  _ thing _ that no human had ever encountered before, that was coming to kill you, and you  _ still fought _ .”

“I was lucky. Didn’t know the inside of its mouth was so sensitive.”

“Doesn’t matter. Sure, it saved your life, but it wasn’t  _ just _ that you survived. It was that you wouldn’t go down without a fight. You were on your ass, and you still fought. Past the end of anything that would be reasonable to ask, you kept going.  _ That _ is why I came to get you.”

She let her eyes track out over the glittering, gleaming surface of the Citadel. “Past the point of reason sounds like me, yeah.”

He huffed. “Go on, Shepard, get out of here. You’ve got a ship and a crew and a mission. You don’t need me to tell you what to do.”

“Yes, sir,” she said, not bothering to salute. This wasn’t a saluting kind of conversation. But at the door, she turned on her heel and raised her chin. “And sir? Thanks.”

He ducked his head and waved her out the door. 

She did have a ship and a crew and a mission to get back to, but it was with a lighter step than she’d expected. So she had an ancient Prothean beacon in her head, a rogue Spectre to track down, no proof, and a Council that didn’t like her no matter how nice she played. She’d faced bad odds before and survived. Because she  _ fought _ . And now she had another fight in front of her, and damn if she wasn’t about to see it through.

Past the point of reason if she had to.


	3. Feedback

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> On the way to Therum, the Alliance has a few jobs for Zarah. One just happens to involve biotic terrorists, but that isn't the weird bit.

“LT, shit, you get hit?” Williams already had Alenko’s helmet off and was checking him over. He flinched away from the dim lights in the cargo bay, and his skin had taken on an unhealthy pallor.

“Looks like a migraine to me.” He cringed at that assessment, but Zahra wasn’t about to risk his brain to his pride. “Let’s get you to Chakwas.”

“I'll be fine, Commander, really.” Forcing his eyes to open was the wrong call, because he winced even in the dimness of the cargo bay. 

“You’ll be fine once you see the doctor,” she insisted, then smirked, hoping to take the sting out of her words. “I will make it an order if I have to Lieutenant.” His shoulders slumped, and she knew she’d calculated wrong. Damn it, she was supposed to be a better commander than that. Wasn’t right to cut at her crew when they were down.

“Yes, ma’am,” he said shortly before slowly making his way to the crew deck. Williams had already started stowing her gear during that little showdown, but her face held traces of concern. 

“He going to be okay?” she asked. There was no way for Williams to know about Alenko’s medical history. Zahra knew on the basis that she was the commander of this ship, though she supposed the cat was out of the bag after he had used his status as an L2 to gain the trust of those biotics on the Ontario. 

At least that had gone well.

“You heard him, Chief. He’s got an L2 implant. This happens sometimes.” She kept her face and voice stoic, though that didn’t erase the furrow in Williams’s brow. “Go on, get out of your armor. I’m sure he’ll be recovered in time for dinner.”

“Yeah, alright.” The storage locker closed with a click, the t-shirt Williams wore sticking to her torso with the sweat of a tense standoff. “On another note, well done today, ma’am. I still don’t know how you do it. Maybe there’s more to this diplomacy thing than I thought.”

“I’m containing my shock, Chief,” she deadpanned. Williams laughed not knowing how long it took Zahra to learn how to knock heads politely.

In her quarters, she divested herself of her armor and filed her report, which thankfully didn’t take long. That done, she made her way to the med bay. She did her best to be quiet in deference to the man lying on the medical bed in the dimmest corner of the room.

Chakwas approached her quickly, keeping her voice down.

“He’ll be fine, Commander. He pushed it again, I would assume because of the other biotics this time. Fortunately, most of his migraines are delayed onset.”

“This time?” This was the first time Alenko had been laid up on her watch, and he’d been at her back for a few missions now. She’d thought the migraines must not have been that bad. Apparently they were.

“After Eden Prime. He pushed himself there, too, and he did not come to me straight away. I suppose he thought it better I attend you rather than his migraine. I had to order him into his sleeping pod. He’s been doing better after that, and I believe the more he uses his biotics the better he will be in the long run. Getting his brain used to the strain as it were, though I doubt he will ever be free of these migraines. But this mission was not something he had braced for. As I said, fighting other biotics seems to be more taxing.”

“Field interference,” Zahra explained, then backtracked at the doctor’s expression polite curiosity. “We can all kind of… sense each other when we get close. When there are a lot of us all in one place at cross purposes, flinging biotic abilities around, you can get something like feedback. Mostly it just makes my teeth buzz, but it must be worse for him. For L2s, I mean.”

“Ah, that is not something I’ve yet heard of, Commander.” Chawkas’s expression was thoughtful. Zahra shrugged.

“I doubt it’s studied much by the Alliance, and that’s just what those of us in training called it. Maybe the asari have, though?” she suggested, but her eyes were drawn back to Alekno. His eyes were shut, but his face scrunched in pain and he was still too damned pale.

“I’ll see what I can find,” Chakwas said, then noticed the direction of Zahra’s gaze. “You can talk to him. This one wasn’t bad, and he’s on the mend already, though I suggest you keep it short.”

Zahra nodded in acknowledgement, and circled around the medical bed. One dark eye opened a crack at her approach, and he frowned.

“Sorry, Commander, I’ll understand if—” 

“Don’t you dare finish that sentence, Lieutenant, or we’ll have words. You finished the mission. That’s what matters. And without you, I might have had a second fight on my hands. You read me?”

“Loud and clear, ma’am,” he said, his husky voice a little stronger now.

“Good. I’ll leave you to rest,” she told him, keeping her voice down. “And you might want to go see Williams when you recover. She seemed worried about you.” The two of them seemed to be fast friends, which was good. Unexpected crew changes could be hell on morale and unit cohesion. Though she wondered if it was more than just friendly. A few times she’d come across them talking only for them to both clam up and part awkwardly.

Well, wasn’t her business as long as it didn’t interfere with anything.

“I will.” He nodded, eyes drifting shut, and she rapped her knuckle on the metal bed frame by way of saying goodbye. She was just at the door when he called out to her, “Commander? Thanks.”

Zahra regarded him down the line of her prominent nose, and wondered if he’d seen something in her face that let him know it wasn’t just Williams who was worried. “You’re crew, Alenko. No thanks are necessary.”

“Yes, ma’am,” he said in that soft voice again. Zahra left the medbay unable to shake the sense that something unusual might have just taken place, but couldn’t for the life of her say what it was.


	4. Shakedown

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wrex and Garrus are along for the ride, and Zahra gets treated to an echo of Akuze.

“Wrex! Rockets!” she shouted, wrenching the controls to the side. The Mako responded sluggishly, but she’d grown up driving tractors. In comparison, this beast drove like a dream. Wrex swivelled in the turret, firing rocket after rocket into the screaming thresher maw. 

“Shepard! Shields are failing!” Sparks leapt off a console, making Garrus curse and shake out his hand, but he went right back to running a patch to keep the Mako moving. 

“Just keep us moving, Shepard,” Wrex said. His blunt teeth were bared in a grim grin, and Zahra kept all her focus on dodging the gobs of acid that could eat even though the Mako’s plating. The Mako thrummed as another rocket fired, hitting the thresher maw square. It’s screeching wail made her wince, but it slithered back under ground.

“You think it's gone?” Garrus asked breathlessly.

“No,” Wrex grumbled, not taking his eye from the scope. “It’s waiting.”

Zahra aimed the Mako for a patch of high rocks and gunned it.

“Shepard! Not so fast, the axles are nearly eaten through,” Garrus warned.

She grit her teeth and didn’t let up off the throttle. “If the axles break, we get out and run. That’s an order. Run for solid ground, stay off the sand.”

Garrus’s flanges flickered, but he bent his head over the read outs and tapped away. Just a little further, a little but further. The back of the Mako rose suddenly, and her heart dropped into her stomach. Then Wrex roared and a concussive burst shocked them free. The wheels hit ground again, metal straining and squealing, but the wheels still turned.

With a sluggish whirr, the Mako dragged itself up the side of the rocky outcrop, and Zahra wheeled it around to train the machine gun on the flailing thresher maw. Lips pressed into a thin line, she and Wrex made short work of the damned animal. It screamed one last time and fell with a heavy thump back to the ground only to slither down into its tunnels.

Sweat coated the inside of her hard suit, and all she’d done was sit and drive. One by one, she freed her fingers from the controls and clambered up to open up the hatch. 

“Not bad driving, Shepard.” Wrex fixed one red eye on her. “You’ve met a maw before, haven’t you?”

“Yeah,” she said thickly. “Once. You?”

“Heh, yeah. They’re nasty pieces of work.”

“The Mako is going to need some serious repairs, Commander,” Garrus said, still inside the main hold. There were a lot of red, angry blinking lights. She took a deep breath, her helmet’s filters keeping out the worst of the dust. 

“Keep her from exploding, Garrus. Wrex and I will check out the distress beacon.”

“There won’t be anything there, Shepard,” Wrex said.

Garrus was quiet for a long moment, but nodded. “You need to retrieve their IDs, I know. Let me, let me know if I can help.”

“You’ve done enough for now.” She hauled herself fully out of the Mako and jumped down to the surface of Elodus. It was a good ten minute walk to the sandy pit where the distress beacon had lured in the marines. The site was a damned echo of the place her whole squad had died years ago. The distress call turned fucking horror show.

She set about collecting dog tags, doing as best she could for her fallen brothers in blue. Then Wrex hummed thoughtfully. He was tapping at the beacon.

“This beacon, there’s something odd about it. Reminds me of the thumpers on Tuchanka. We use them to call the thresher maws.”

“Why the  _ fuck _ would you do that?”

“Oh, you know us krogan, we’re all crazy,” he said dismissively. “Point is, this looks like it was a trap. That maw was made to attack these men.”

She breathed out sharply and glared at the offending piece of equipment. “Bring it with us. Garrus and Tali can take a look and see if there’s anything else we can figure out.”

“Shepard,” Wrex said, something almost like a warning in his voice. “It's one thing to willingly fight a maw. Another to sic one on soldiers. Whoever did this had a rot in them. The kind of person who takes things apart just to see them tick.”

She cocked her head and regarded him. They both wore their helmets, so there was no looking him in the eye. Though with Wrex she didn’t think that’d make a difference. Krogan features were harder than even a turian’s to read.

“Thanks, Wrex.”

“Don’t thank me until I help you kill the bastards that did this. I might be a mercenary, Shepard, but I believe in an honest fight. This,” he gestured at the slaughter, “was butchery.”

“I’ll keep that in mind,” she said tersely. There was no reason her throat should close up at the korgan’s sympathy. Such as it was. And yet. She coughed. “Better get back to Garrus before he gets worried.

“Ah, turians. They’re all worried mother birds at heart.” His laugh was dark and humorless. Zahra had never heard a more apt sound in her life.

But one thing was certain, when the chips were down, she could trust both Garrus and Wrex in a fight. When they got back to the Normandy, she made a point of saying so to Williams. The chief kept her head down at dinner as they sped on their way to the Knossos system, but Zahra didn’t count it much of a victory.

There was something bitter in her mouth, and she couldn’t quite wash it out.


	5. Useful

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zahra‘s making her rounds on the Normandy, and she comes across Tali in an unusual spot.

“Tali, what you doing in there?”

Zahra leaned down and peered into a duct. Unlike most Alliance engineers, she didn’t try to salute, stand, or anything else that would make her bang her head. The girl’s mask turned towards her, the two bright points of her eyes glowing behind the purple visor.

Reminded her of a possum in a drainpipe more than a little.

Except Tali generally fixed things instead of destroying them. She’d already proven herself useful on a few ground missions, but she kept returning to engineering like she was starved for work.

“Oh, Adams said he wanted to double check a few systems now that the Normandy has been, what did he say, ah yes, ‘shaken down’. It doesn’t translate exactly, but I understood what he meant.”

With that apparently being enough explanation, Tali went back to scooting along the ductwork and inspecting the seals and wiring. Zahra knelt next to the open duct. “Did Adams ask _you_ to do it? You’re not on board to let a corpsman get out of his work, Tali.”

“What? No, he hasn’t assigned anyone. I just, well, it needed doing.”

“You know he was probably going to do up a roster.”

“Now he won’t have to, the corpsmen won’t have their work really taken away, and I get to be useful. It all works out, Commander.”

Zahra frowned into the omni-tool lit darkness. “Is this you hating being idle, or is this you being worried that you don’t have a secure place on the Normandy?”

Tali stopped tapping out commands on her omni-tool. Those glowing points of light were aimed her way again, and Zahra was briefly reminded of the geth. How their ocular node glinted and were entirely opaque to any reading of them. She blinked and the notion was gone, but the echo was still there. Quarians had made the geth, there were bound to be some similarities, made in their creator’s image.

The girl’s continued silence spoke volumes. Zahra sat cross-legged and let her chin rest propped on one fist.

“Don’t have anything to prove to me, Tali, and I’m the one who decides who is and isn’t on this ship.”

The sigh from Tali’s vocoder was raspy and irritated. “You heard the Council, Commander. And Garrus. My people are considered little more than pests at the best of times. At worst, we’re unwelcome pariahs or outright criminals. I know how other people see mine, but humans are new to the galaxy. Few of your people have met us, and I will not let my people down by leaving a bad impression.”

“And who knows, one day they’ll put you in charge of a ship.”

“Ha! That is a long way off, Commander. But stranger things have happened.”

“Well, I can’t fault your dedication to your people, Tali, but for now come on out. Adams will draw up a roster.” The lights of Tali’s eyes rolled like the teenager she was. It was nice to know some things might really be universal. She pulled herself out of the vent, and Zahra hauled the girl up, giving her a smile. “And I might just suggest you lead one of the details. Might show them a thing or two.”

“Oh! That, that would be good. But I also want to go on missions. I’m also very useful in the field, you remember—”

“Yeah, you’re better with a shotgun than most techs I’ve met. Don’t worry, Tali, time enough to show everyone how good you are.” 

Tali practically bounced on her toes, and Zahra was sure the young woman was smiling behind her mask.

“Yes, Shepard! I mean, Commander! I won’t let you down.”

After Tali had reattached the duct cover and returned to engineering, Zahra shook her head and spoke softly in the rare solitary corner of the ship, “Pretty sure you won’t, kid.”


	6. Pull

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wait a minute, that wasn't supposed to happen. There might be feels on this ship. Oh shit.
> 
> Also Kaidan speaks French, fite me.

“Viens maintenant, ne sois pas comme ça. Vous savez que vous voulez travailler.” 

Zahra cocked her head and followed the sound of French on her ship only to find Alenko halfway underneath a console. Leaning against the bulkhead, she spoke before she could stop herself, “You sweet talk any old console like that, or just the ones on the Normandy?”

Several things happened in quick succession: he half sat up, banging his head on the underside of the console, there was the sound of an electric spark, and he let out a muttered curse. Trying to maintain her professionalism, Zahra managed not to laugh, but was entirely unable to keep the grin off of her face. Alenko stood out from underneath the console with a wry grin.

“You startled me, Commander. Didn’t know you spoke French.” He shook his right hand trying to work the shock out of it.

“Don’t, but I picked up a little Portuguese and Spanish in Rio. Enough in common that I got the gist. Besides, what is French good for if not sweet talking?” 

His eyes, dark and warm, met hers in the low light, and Zahra realized she’d gone a bit too far. Again. God, she was making a habit of this. Spectre or no, he was still under her command. She’d pushed the fraternization rules once or twice, but this couldn’t be kosher.

Not that she kept kosher either.

Shit. 

Ignoring the heat on her cheeks, she raised her chin and crossed her arms. “How’d you pick it up anyway?”

“Well, there’s still a law on the books in Canada about having to learn French and English in school. One of the provinces, Quebec, is primarily French-speaking, and to make sure everyone could talk to each other, they make us learn it,” he explained, then ducked his head as if he were slightly embarrassed. “And, well, it might sound stupid, but I swear I do better tech work if I think in French.”

“There’s that old chestnut, Lieutenant: if it works, it’s not stupid.” 

“There’s a truth to that, I suppose,” he conceded, then shook his head. “But I’m mostly just wondering what hidden talent you’re going to surprise us with next. Bioball champion, varren trainer, knitting enthusiast?”

“Knitting? Do you really think I knit?” 

“Come on, think about it, Commander. You could be making a scarf and then stab someone with one of those knitting needles without having to change your loadout. Very efficient.”

His expression was so deadpan, she couldn’t help but laugh. “Interesting idea, but you can’t open the book of my life and jump in the middle.”

“Well, maybe we can grab a beer some time and start at the beginning.” Their gazes locked, and every muscle of her tensed. She forced her face back to officer-mode and straightened her posture.

He knew that they had gone further than they should, too. Watching each other's backs out in the black of space or on a mission was one thing; they were crew. But this got too close to dangerous territory, and she had to resist that pull even if some part of her wanted to run headlong into it.

_ You make a habit of getting this personal with everyone? _

Even if she’d already been pulled off course; space bent around him in ways it really shouldn’t.

“I should go.” She took a half step back. “As you were, Lieutenant.”

“Commander,” he acknowledged. He was about to duck back under the console as she turned to leave, but he hesitated. The pause caught her eye, and she knew, knew, she should just keep going. Ignore it, let him get back to work. But she stopped and waited. 

“Just let me know when we’re good to go, and I’ll have your back, ma’am.” There was something so damned earnest about him, she realized that she might be fighting a losing battle. But she wasn’t quite ready to admit defeat. Not just yet. Instead, she inclined her head, keeping her tone even.

“Thanks, Alenko. I know you will.” Not  _Lieutenant_. And just like that she’d given up ground already.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translation:  
> Viens maintenant, ne sois pas comme ça. Vous savez que vous voulez travailler. = Come now, don't be like that. You know you want to work.
> 
> So says Google Translate. I'm sorry for the bad French.


	7. Kick

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There were too many kids on her ship, and the 106 year old PhD was the most worrisome of the lot.

Kids. She had too many damned kids on her ship. That was the problem.

Tali had to be coaxed out of the guts of the Normandy to eat at meal times instead of avoiding her homesickness, and Garrus was a brooding presence that reminded her way too much of the teenage boys she’d known on Mindoir. Or herself, in her more honest moments. Much as she sympathized in the abstract for their respective difficulties, she was once again on the receiving end of kids telling her about their problems.

It was her old squad days all over again, before she’d gone to N-school. Back when the new kids fresh out of boot would gravitate towards her for reasons she  _ still _ couldn’t understand.

Then there was Dr. Liara T’Soni. She might be over a hundred years old, but she was still a kid. Big blue eyes followed Zahra across the mess hall, up to CiC, in the cargo bay. The whole asari mind meld to interpret the Prothean beacon hadn’t been something she’d much wanted, and the whole thing sat uneasily in the back of her mind.

She’d had her head prodded enough in her life, and there was something wrong about someone so relatively young getting into  _ her _ mess of a brain. But in the toss up between sitting the girl down and telling her to stow it or trying to ignore the savior worship, Zahra opted for the ignore option. 

She really hoped it would stick.

Except.

“Commander, a moment of your time, if you would.”

“What is it, Liara?” She wished she could call them by last name, but that didn’t seem right. Williams and Alenko were Alliance, detailed to the Normandy and under her command. The others who had signed on for this rogue-Spectre hunt had done so voluntarily. They followed her orders, but there was still that crowbar separation between them and the crew. 

Tali had the easiest time fitting in, oddly enough. Half of engineering followed her around taking notes, while the other half were penning love letters; she’d found one lying around and had laughed herself stupid in her cabin for five whole minutes. Garrus was a little more stand off-ish, and being turian didn’t win him any favors, but he was a good soldier. She'd  caught Alenko and Adams teaching him how to play poker the other day.

That just left Liara, the newest kid to sign on to a mission she was definitely too young for and too close to. But there was no other Prothean expert to hand. “It hasn’t escaped my notice that you have yet to bring me into the field.”

Zahra huffed. That was way better than the alternative topics of conversation, and Zahra was on firm ground on this score. “You do have some weapons training, Liara, but when that krogan came after you, you turtled up. You want to go into the field, you can’t react like that, plain and simple.” The girl began to protest, but Zahra held up her hand. Liara shut her mouth with a sulky click. “That’s the standard I hold everyone to. When I met Tali, she was fighting for her life and stayed cool under a lot of pressure. Garrus and Wrex are old hands in a fight, but you aren’t. Until I can count on you, you’re ship side and better off helping us figure out all this Prothean stuff.”

The vague hope that Liara would back down was crushed as the girl’s jaw jutted out stubbornly. She raised her chin and met Zahra’s bland expression like someone had lit a fire under her ass. Belatedly, Zahra realized she had done  _ just that _ .

“Then I ask for training, Commander.  _ If _ that is not too much of your time.”

The corner of Zahra’s lips twitched up in spite of her wish otherwise. “Alright, kid. You’ll report to Williams before breakfast. Oh-five-hundred. She’s gonna be pissed to be up that early, so you better improve quick smart with your pistol work. After breakfast, you’ll work with Alenko on your biotics. You’ve got a punch, but you’re slow on the draw. Then we’ll run you through tech drills with Tali, first aid drills with Chakwas, and Garrus and Wrex are on tactics. After that,  _ if _ I’m satisfied with your progress, you can come on a trial mission.”

Liara’s eyes got wider and wider as the list kept growing, and she wrung her hands. “Oh, I didn’t quite realize that—”

“You were going to have to work?” The jibe landed square on target and the fire flared again. “Angry? Good. Angry will keep you pushing past what you think you can do, and that’s what every marine on this ship has had to do to get here. You won’t be any different. You’ll be crew, understand?”

“Y-yes, Commander.”

“What was that?”

“Yes, Commander!”

Zahra nodded, officer-stiff. “Good, that’ll do for now. At ease, and get some rest. You’re gonna need it.”

“I won’t let you down, Shepard,” Liara promised, and the hope kindled again. Zahra fought down a sigh.

Kids. That was the problem. Too many damn kids on her ship.


	8. Surge

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Feros was a shitshow, but Zahra gets her brain scrambled... again. And there are consequences for getting that kind of info dump. She didn't expect the side helping of concerned Staff Lieutenant, though.

_ Fire licks at her body, melting armor, turning flesh to ash. She screams, and the child in her arms hangs heavy and limp. Dead, they’re all dead. The sound starts in her chest, a resonant hum, and then the world itself becomes a wall of noise. It’s in her head, worming its awareness inside of her even as her body burns, as her child is dead. She has to fight it, has to—  _

Zahra wrenched her head away from Shiala’s hands and shoved the asari away from her. Fuck, her whole head pulsed like something was inside with an axe trying to get out. Biotic static crackled over her skin and in her mouth, buzzing along her teeth. Deep, deep inside her head, something  _ twinged _ . 

“Commander?” Three voices said the same word. Cool asari tones, worried quarian vocoder, and honey-over-gravel rumble. She shook her head as she staggered to a wall and braced against it. Her muscles tensed and relaxed spasmodically, lighting bolts of pain searing along bones. 

“Just gotta, gotta get my breath.” Fingers curled into fists as she tried to will away the shaking. She closed her eyes and— _ a hand reaches for hers, but the soldier’s head blows apart like a ripe melon, and above her a Reaper descends, its form landing like a mountain has been picked up and thrown down _ —her lungs fought her, refusing to believe she’s alive. The Beacon and the Cipher twisted and twined inside her head, the images mixing and melding.

“What did you do to her?” Alenko, that was Alenko. Shouting. Lost his control, and even at this distance she could feel his biotics come to life. As fast and furious as a lightning strike.

“I gave her the Cipher, as she wished. Perhaps her mind cannot take the strain.”

“You  _ bosh’tet _ ,” Tali snapped. The snick of a shotgun was loud in the quiet of the Thorian’s grave.

“Stand down.” Her voice was weak, barely audible to even herself. Zahra growled and slammed her fist into the cement. As she did, her biotic field crackled and glowed  _ green _ . A chunk of the wall suddenly wasn’t there. Cement shrapnel flew out in a wide arc, and two simultaneous barriers deflected the worst of it. 

She’d never done  _ that _ before.

But instead of gape at her own wildly flaring biotics, Zahra stared down her squad and newfound ally. In clipped, precise tones, she ordered, “Stand. Down.”

The torrent that was Alenko’s biotics simmered down, and the focused arrowhead of the asari’s was suddenly gone as if it hadn’t ever been. Shit, she was someone who  _ served _ Benezia. They were in trouble. Her head pounded and her eyes burned in their sockets. A groan escaped her lips as she staggered sideways.

Now’s not the time to fall over, Shepard, she told herself.

It fucking  _ hurts _ , she railed back. 

A hand tipped her chin up, and Alenko winced as their fields clashed. Green and blue sparks outlined where their fields met, and he grunted at the force of it. She tried to wrest her face away, to push him away, but he braced his feet and the surge bleed away. 

He nodded like he was satisfied, and then stared into her eyes. Those warm brown eyes could stop her in her tracks if she wasn’t careful. When the hell had she started to think like that? When he’d gotten tongue-tied on the Presidium, or when he’d grit his teeth and followed her charge? Or, when he’d  _ thrown _ a geth armature on Therum maybe. Then he held up one finger and kept a grip on her chin. “Follow it, with just your eyes.”

“I hate you.”

“Just do it, Commander, or I’ll comm Chakwas.”

Grinding her teeth and cursing stubborn medics, she did as he asked. Left, right, up, down. Tali shuffled beside them, her gun still trained on the asari. “How is she?” 

“She’s stable and not obviously impaired. But we should get the doctor and Liara both to look at her.”

“She’s also  _ right here _ ,” Zahra snapped.

“Yeah, and for a second you weren’t.” He didn’t snap but it was damned close. Close to insubordination and all sorts of other problems. But he held his ground for half a heartbeat before his hand dropped away from her face leaving pinched marks behind. This was the second time he’d seen her rendered helpless by some bit of Prothean mind-whammy. That was why she was out of sorts: another mind-fuck without even dinner first. One breath, two breaths, she got a lid on her temper.

“I’m okay, Alenko, Tali. Really. She.” Zahra waved at the asari, who stood still and sure, waiting. Ready. “Did what she said she’d do. We have the Cipher, which is good enough for me.”

“Indeed, I have fulfilled my end of the bargain, Commander Shepard.” The asari commando raised her chin, haughty but not without feeling. She braced for Zahra’s judgment. Zahra wiggled her fingers. Her biotics sparked blue as usual. 

“We all need to get out of here.”

And by now she could probably walk in a straight line. At least this Prothean mind-whammy didn’t knock her unconscious. Even if it was all clearer now: the death of everyone and everything, the galaxy screaming into the void as an uncaring force destroyed them all, as— _ “get rid of the rest,” a slaver says, and the others level their rifles where the other kids are. Karima presses Norah’s face to her chest and Zahra charges with her rifle— _ there was a touch at her elbow.

“Commander?” Alenko spoke quietly, and she realized they had fallen behind. The memories of a dead race and a scared kid blurred in her mind, and she didn’t like how easy they all fit together. Once, she’d hoped that with every human life she saved, she’d put her sisters to rest bit by bit. The people of Zhu’s Hope were still here, but that didn’t seem like enough anymore.

Or maybe it was the Cipher turning her all around.

“I’m alright.” The thickness of her voice gave the lie to her words, and the skeptical arch of his eyebrow said much the same. But he didn’t call her on it.

“That was a pretty bad surge. You’re normally a bit wild but that was a lot of power you were building up there for a second or two. I had to bleed you off.”

She wiggled her fingers, and there wasn’t a single spark to so much as think about tickling her skin. After a surge like that, she should have been a danger to herself and anyone around her, but instead her biotic field was stable. Not suppressed but grounded out.

There was a lot she could say to that, but what came out of her mouth was, “Wild? Me?”

“Ah, sorry, didn’t mean for that to sound bad.”

“No, it’s fine. Never really thought about it like that. Suppose that’s the difference between our training, huh? Brain Camp for you, Alliance hack and slash for me.”

“That’s some of it, I’m sure.”

“Give me the rest of it, Alenko.” He shrugged, trying to downplay what he’d said. Even with the taste of stale ozone in her mouth and a nasty headache, she smirked. “Come on, I could use the distraction.”

He watched her warily but then sighed. “It’s not how you use your biotics. It’s when you’re still, it’s like your field isn’t. It’s, well, wild. Not unsettled or out of control just—it’s like you don’t care what you give off. You don’t bother holding anything in. At least, that’s what I sense, ma’am.”

“Huh.”

“I didn’t overstep did I?”

“No. No you didn’t.”

“Oh, that’s,” he said slowly as a warm smile curved his lips. “That’s good to know.”

And, God help her, she smiled back. That triggered another twinge deep behind her eyes, and she growled as she grimaced. “Fucking Prothean mind-fucks!”

“You tell ’em, Commander.” Worry tinged the edge of his grin, but he didn’t try to make her hold back. Slowly, they walked back to the Normandy side by side.


	9. Rise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Looking up, or is it down, at the earth from the surface of Luna, Zahra Shepard ponders a VI that asked for help.

“That was creepy.” Williams’s voice broke the hushed silence of the comms. The last VI bunker behind them, the Mako not ten feet away, Zahra stopped. There was moon dust on her boots. Not her first time on the moon. First time on the moon she’d had a limited supply of oxygen and the worse threat that if she finished in the bottom tier, she’d be kicked out of N-School, Anderson’s backing or no.

Had been back a time or two since, but the sight of Earth hanging heavy and blue and green over the curve of the moon was still something even a soldier like her should take a moment to appreciate. 

“Alekno,” she said. He turned, but she couldn’t read his expression behind the helmet. Though she could picture it: mild arch of his brows, warm brown eyes fixed on her, and maybe that little hint of a smile. She probably shouldn’t be able to call that to mind, but to hell with it. They’d certainly  _ noticed _ each other.

Little things all adding up to one big: oh shit, there goes another reg.

“What is it, Commander?” And there it was, that honey-over-gravel voice.  _ Just working on what I picked up. You tell me if I'm going too far. _

Later. She’d deal with that later. Right now, she had a question.

She kept her eyes on Earth. It was a beautiful sight. Rio wasn’t home, but the closest thing she had after Mindoir. Maybe after this shitstorm was over she’d finally go to the Western Wall and stand where her mother had stood to pray for a healthy child after her eezo exposure. She could go to the Smoky Mountains where Dad was from and follow the same trials he’d explored, like how she’d lost herself in the woods on Mindoir.

Everyone came from somewhere, but all roads lead back to Earth.

“The VI, it projected a message. Did it mean anything?”

“Yeah, it did. It, uh, it spelled out  _ help _ .”

“Wait a minute,” Williams broke in. “The VI was asking for help? Is that even possible?”

“Since it happened, Chief, would have to say it is. The bigger question is if it knew what it was asking for.”

“No offence, LT, but—”

“It did.” Zahra kept her eyes on the earth. Silence crackled along the comm line. She could sense Alekno and Williams exchanging a Look. Akuze, N-School, wetworks missions, off-off-book missions. Wasn’t like she hadn’t seen the worst of the worst. Or that this was anything close to that. No blood, for starters. But her body felt distant, all the same, like she’d pushed hard and ended the mission with a bullet in her side. She pressed her boot into the dust of the moon. If nothing disturbed it, it’d be here forever.

“Either of you ever been to the Sea of Tranquility?” she asked.

“Uh, can’t say it was a standard school field trip.” Alenko spoke slowly, like he was choosing his words carefully. 

“No, ma’am,” Williams said crisply, a little too crisply. They were Looking at each other again, she didn’t doubt.

“You wanna go see it? Hell, let’s get everyone down here. Though I’m not sure if everyone will appreciate it. They’ve got a plate over Armstrong’s first print and everything. It’s pretty cool.” A mass of white clouds moved over the southern tip of the African continent. Maybe a storm of some kind brewing. Always was, wasn’t there? She rolled her shoulders and worked some feeling back into herself. “Never mind. Let’s get back to the Normandy. We have a hard burn to make the Citadel for resupply.”

“Yes, ma’am,” Alekno and Williams chorused. They didn’t say anything, but Zahra could  _ feel _ everything they weren’t saying. She knew her rep. The survivor. The one who got back up, but damned if this mission didn’t work under her skin like fine grains of sand.

A VI had asked for help.

What the fuck was she out here for if not to help?

The moon spun under her feet, and Earth rose higher, a blue and green jewel in the black of space.


	10. Place

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone had a spot at the table on the Normandy. No one felt out of place. Not even Zahra.
> 
> A little crew togetherness goodness, with a side helping of quasi-romance.

Running a hand through her damp hair, Zahra left her cabin and was greeted by the sight of her cobbled together groundside crew shifting and scrambling around the mess area. 

“I miss the invite?” At her question, six pairs of eyes trained on her. She crossed her arms over her chest and raised one black eyebrow. Though she supposed the way her short cropped hair didn’t lie flat sort of took away from the effect.

“Was kind of an impromptu thing, Commander.” Alekno pulled open the microwave and sighed forlornly as a sad mess of an attempt at a meal emerged. “You’re welcome to join us, but I can’t exactly recommend the food. All this jumping around after Therum and Feros taxed our supplies a bit.”

“From what I have observed, the food on the Normandy leaves something to be desired by most of your crew, Commander,” Liara added. She picked at a pile of greens and bits that claimed to be chicken. 

“Welcome to the Alliance,” Williams drawled. “Top of the line equipment and interstellar travel, but God forbid the food is edible.”

Wrex chuckled as he pulled the steaming plate of whatever it was toward himself. “I’ve had worse,” he rumbled, one red eye glinting balefully in the relatively bright lights of the mess. “Once, on a job, we were on some planet at the ass end of the galaxy and my employer, heh, he didn’t know how much krogan needed to eat.” Blunt teeth bared in a grin, Wrex meaningfully chomped on his food.

“Impeccable manners from the krogan,” Garrus muttered. Zahra sat on the far end of the table, one arm slung over the back. Alenko caught her eye and held up two packets. Squinting, she pointed to the one on the right and hoped for the best.

“Says the one whose cleaning his gun at dinner,” Williams said, gesturing at the offending weapon. It was his new sniper rifle, all laid out on its own cloth.

“Hah, hear that Garrus? The human is on  _ my _ side.” 

“He  _ is _ using a protective cloth, however,” Liara said primly. The girl had a datapad next to her, and her food was only half touched. Zahra frowned at the pad, but was distracted by Alenko delivering Williams her dinner. It was some pasta dish, and Zahra sighed at the sight of all that cream and carb. Damn, she  _ really _ hoped she picked right.

“Aw, don’t do that Liara. I was starting to like you, girl.”

Garrus’s flanges flickered in something that might have been a smile, but he kept his head down and his eyes on his work. “This table’s the best place to disassemble a sniper rifle fully. Shepard, you might want to think about installing a better weapons bay in the cargo hold.”

“I’ll get on that.” Zahra grabbed a glass and poured herself some of the weak flavor water Alliance medical supplied. “Goes on the list right after  _ defeat Saren _ and  _ stop galactic extinction _ . Oh, and  _ buy beer. _ ”

“If you’re buying beer,” Alenko said as he threw a towel over his shoulder. “I better be going on that mission. I’m Canadian, beer is one of our two cultural pastimes.”

“Oh! There are still separate human nations?” Liara asked, perking up. “I’d heard of this. You are Canadian, you say Lieutenant? And your people have two cultural touchstones? May I ask what the other is?”

Zahra grinned as Alenko was suddenly the centre of attention. She kicked her legs out and leaned back, pleased as a cat that caught the canary to see his cheeks and ears go all red. He cleared his throat and recovered himself quickly enough. “Hockey. We’re all about beer and hockey. Sport played on ice. Here, let me show you.”

He tapped out some commands on his omni and a recording played back. One team had a stylized leaf logo and the other had an orca bursting out of the letter C.

There was a moment of silence as they pondered the thing that was hockey. Alenko retreated during the distraction, and Zahra let him escape. She’d seen examples of the game before. Wrex chuckled heartily as one player shoved another full body into the glass. Garrus’s eyes tracked the movement of the players and hummed thoughtfully. Williams looked bored, but Liara was taking notes. Only person who wasn’t watching was Tali.

Craning her neck, Zahra tried to catch sight of what Tali was doing under the table. Her nutrient mix was untouched.

“What you got there, Tali?” Zahra asked. The quarian’s head shot up and her eyes were two large circles of light in her helmet. 

“What? This?” she said nervously, tucking something behind her leg away from Zahra’s line of sight. “Nothing. Just a little something I found that needed a bit of fixing.”

Williams leaned over the table and plucked it out of Tali’s fingers. It was one of the crew computers, though an old model by the looks of it. “Hey!” she cried. Williams tossed it to Zahra. She caught it easily and turned it on.

“It was giving Crewman de Santo problems. That it’s startup cycle was slow, and I offered to take a look.”

“Hey, can you help me with mine?” Wrex asked. “I want to make it explode if someone else touches it.”

“Hm, we might find some common ground here, Wrex. I can admire a good trap,” Garrus mused. 

“You would, turian!”

Zahra rapped a knuckle on the table, but before she could ask what the hell was taking Alenko so long with her  _ food _ , it was there. Oh thank god, a burrito. She’d chosen well after all. “Thanks, Alenko,” she said and then frowned up at him. “You haven’t eaten yet?”

“Nah, I’m last up. Kind of a pain, the single microwave, but…”

“Yeah, yeah, I’ll put it high on the list. Promise. Go on, eat.” 

His only answer was that soft smile that he aimed directly at her. Damn her if it didn’t  _ work _ . Then he was back at the mess station, fixing himself whatever food was left. Good thing they were en route to the Citadel. She concentrated on her dinner. It was far from the best burrito she’d ever had, but after several missions in a row she was hungry enough to not care. But she was so focused on her dinner she almost didn’t notice how Williams’s hand was inching closer and closer to her tray. 

Right for the tiny pot of rice pudding.

“Hey! Don’t you  _ dare _ , Williams!” she cried, slamming her hand down on the woman’s wrist.

“Sorry, Commander, but I’m still a bit hungry. Didn’t think you’d mind.” Williams attempted her best ingratiating smile. 

Zahra’s expression remained stony.

“Alright,” she said, a snap in her voice. “Rules for dinner—oh God, I can’t believe I have to do this. Look at what you all have brought me to. Rule one, no guns at the table while we’re eating, Garrus.”

“It’s an efficient use of time,” he muttered. 

“Rule two, eat your dinner and don’t fix other people’s stuff when they can wait a bit longer for it, Tali.”

“But I’d just installed new security features.” Tali’s voice was petulant through her vocoder.

“Rule three,” Zahra continued over the protests. “No anthropological analysis. Talk to people like a normal person, Liara."

Liara ducked her head and whispered, “That’s just how I talk to people.”

“And Williams, I catch you trying to steal my dessert again, I will bust you down to yeoman so fast your head will spin.”

“Yes, ma’am!”

“Good, now. Can we get back to eating?” 

The microwave dinged and Alenko finally joined them at the table, the banter suddenly fled. Zahra took an angry bite of her burrito.

“Ash, you really shouldn’t get between a hungry biotic and their dessert,” he said dryly as he tucked into some curry kind of dish. Last of the lot, but he faced it bravely even though it was probably horrible.

“This is all your fault, Williams,” Garrus said, though his flanges flared in that weird turian smile. 

“Yeah, Ashley, I could still be working on the computer, but now I have to  _ eat _ . Well,” Tali paused as she adjusted the straw from her nutrition pack. “I use the term eat loosely, but you get the idea.” The slurp of the straw was something Zahra tried to shut out.

Liara turned big blue eyes on Williams in an awkward but earnest attempt to play along with everyone else. “I thought we were  _ friends _ .”

“Okay, that’s laying it on a bit thick,” Williams retorted. 

“You think we got the point across?” Garrus asked.

“Hrm, maybe we could ease up a little,” Tali suggested, nearly sly.

Zahra finished off her burrito and fought to keep a smile off her face. 

“Hey, Shepard didn’t say anything about me and stories,” Wrex said brightly. Or as brightly as a krogan could. “There was one time, oh this was just after I started taking merc work and was stupid about some things. Anyway, some pyjack comes up to me with credentials that look real enough…”

Zahra pulled the rice pudding to her before any other soulless monster could attempt to steal it, and she ate it while Wrex blurred the line between truth and fiction. Garrus had set his rifle aside and ate almost daintily, and Tali finished off her drink. Liara even put away her datapad and just  _ listened _ . And Williams gave as good as she got when it came to sarcastic remarks.

Alenko caught Zahra’s eye, and she offered him a little salute with her spoon. He moved his shoulders in a fractional shrug.

She’d eaten with her squads before N-school, and then later her friends Miles and Jae-min had sometimes been around for a shared meal, but Zahra couldn’t remember the last time she’d had a meal like this. The food was shit, but the company couldn’t be better.


	11. Care

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A drink shared between two badass lady Marines. With a sidehelping of Ashley teasing the hell out of her commander.

The door wooshed shut behind her, and Zahra grinned to see a faithful recreation of an Earth bar from the late 20th century. Right down to the fake wood paneling, unfortunate lighting, and dated music. No bar ever played current music, not in any era. At least reporters and brass wouldn’t ambush her here.

She never thought she’d be grateful for the media training Anderson had suggested she take while going through N-School, but it had proved its worth twice over already.

Small groups of people sat at tables, though most of them were older career military. The new kids found their way to Chora’s Den and Purgatory. The brass had their elite clubs and the Consort. There was a small group of human C-Sec agents in the back corner, and a single dark haired, well built woman sitting at the bar.

“Come here often?” Zahra drawled, sidling up to the pretty brunette. Williams snorted her drink and laughed.

“We gotta work on your pick-up game if that’s what you lead with.”

Zahra shrugged and rapped the bar with her knuckles. The bartender didn’t even ask what she wanted and set a bottle of beer down for her. Condensation dripped down the side of the glass. It wasn’t anything special as far as brew, except this beer was from Earth.

“I’ll admit, I’m out of practice. Don’t have much time for romance as an N7.”

“Really? I heard you N’s get up to all sorts of fun.”

“Didn’t say I didn’t have fun. Just that the job and romance don't mix well.”

“That’s not what the scuttlebutt on the boat says.”

“Yuck it up, Chief. We here for an Armistice Day drink or what?”

“Yeah, yeah. Happy Armistice.” Zahra echoed the other woman and they clinked bottles before taking a long drink. The malty lager went down easy, but she eyed the bar for snacks. Williams pushed a bowl of peanuts at her, and she scooped up a handful. The graceless munching earned her an eyeroll. Zahra finished her snack and ginned to Williams’s despairing shake of her head. “You must be the worst date in the galaxy.”

“I dunno, bet there’s worse. Wonder what a date with Wrex would be like?”

“Probably involve explosives.”

“You’re absolutely right,” Zahra said with a straight face. “It’d be awesome.”

Williams’s face scrunched up for a second before she barked a laugh. “You’re probably the only human who could date a krogan. Though, it’d break Kaidan’s heart.”

“Nope.” Zahra sipped at her beer and caged a bowl of pretzels.

“‘Nope’ what?” Williams grinned, leaning in with all the instincts of an older sister. Zahra knew those well, no matter how rusty. She’d had little sisters to tease once.

“So how’s this stack up to family tradition?” 

“You’re not getting out of it that easy, but so you know, this is good. Not the same, of course. When I was a kid Mom would pour us all ginger ale and we’d toast to the end of the war. Dad would tell stories about Granddad and Nana Meta, and I’d sit there eating it all up. My sisters would get restless, but not me. Then, when I got older, and I started talking about enlisting, Dad told me different stories. Stories that were less heroic. I think he was trying to scare me off of the service.” Her voice stepped slowly over the words, memories delaying her pace. Zahra’s shoulders dropped a fraction as she listened. 

Anderson had showed her how to do that by listening to her. After she’d learned that he would.

“But you enlisted anyway.”

“Never thought twice about it. I guess, in a way, I didn’t want him to be alone out there. Not like we ever got posted together, but he wasn’t the only Williams in the trenches anymore. Kind of silly, when I say it out loud.”

Williams’s cheeks turned pink and her eyes slid away. Zahra sipped her beer and let it hit the table with a clink. “Not silly to want to be close to your family when you can’t be around them for most of the time. Anyway, I bet he was proud of you.”

A flicker of a shadow passed over Zahra’s face, but that was an old, long healed wound. The Alliance was her family now. Brown eyes brightened, and Williams’s shoulders squared.

“Yeah, he was proud. So proud. Made sure to make it there for my graduation ceremony out of basic and everything.” She sat up straighter, an echo of long ago pride. “That was a good day. Got my first posting after that, and well, you’ve seen my file. A long list of crap assignments.”

“Yeah, sorry about that, I know the Normandy isn’t what you’re used to.” Zahra smirked, and Williams laughed.

“Not at all, but there’s nowhere else I’d rather be, or a finer crew to serve with,” Williams said honestly. One black eyebrow raised as Zahra thought back to only a scant two weeks ago when Williams had been worried about Garrus and Wrex being on board. Near constant exposure must have worn away the other woman’s skepticism. 

“Couldn’t do this without you, Ash.” Williams was more than a good gun in a fight, or someone who kept their weapons in order. She had become a de facto older sister to the younger marines, had taken charge of the enlisted and other NCOs without a problem, and kept the gear in order with fanatical zeal. She was used to thinking of the team; Zahra had spent years learning to work as a solo operative. Keeping all the details together would’ve gotten lost among the insanity, but not with Williams around.

“Thanks, Skipper, for that, and for listening. For all you do for us. Not most CO’s would, but you take care of us.”

“You’re my crew,” Zahra evaded. Williams smirked.

“Ha, bullshit. You  _ like _ us,” Williams teased. “You even like some of us a lot.”

“I like you all a moderate amount. Except Wrex. He’s my favorite. At least he doesn’t hate my driving.”

“Shepard, hell with it, Zahra, with all due respect to your position and rank, that is complete and utter bullshit.” Williams’s brown eyes shone with the gleam of an older sister on the trail. There was no hiding, and how the fuck did she become the picked on one in this scenario?

“If you know what’s good for you, Williams, you’ll drop this.” She let her voice dip into her chest, rumbling with authority. Williams snorted and waved away the threat. This is what being nice got her.

“Hell no! If I left you two to your own devices, you’d never get anywhere.” Williams grinned mischievously, and Zahra nearly choked on her beer.

“You’ve been giving him advice!”

“Guilty as charged.” Zahra goraned and slowly lowered her head to the bar with a soft, dull thud. “Hey, it’s not that bad. Crew kind of knows he’s into you, but I’ve kept a lid on it. He’s really, really bad at hiding it, by the way, so you should be thanking me. You’re a bit more locked down, so the going theory is he’s hopelessly pining.”

“Liara knew how I, ugh,  _ felt _ , but I’m going to hope that’s just cause she did that mind joining thing,” Zahra groused. The bar was sticky, but it was better to look at the fake grain imprint than Williams’s too-knowing grin and laughing eyes.

“Aw shit, she told you about her crush? I told her not to, I told her to let it go, but she insisted. I know she’s not a woman but—”

Zahra sat up and wiped the gunk off her forehead. “The woman shape, whatever, I don’t get asari biology. Makes like zero sense, but I never majored in the life sciences. Anyway, that wasn’t it. The problem is she’s a star-struck kid.” She grimaced and shifted on the barstool, defeat writ on her face. Damn, outmaneuvered by her own gunnery chief. “Williams, why are you doing this?"

“Cause if someone looked at me the way he looks at you when he thinks no one can see—Shepard, I don’t think I’d give a good god damn about regs. And both of you are my friends. I like to see my friends happy. I think you guys could make each other happy, and with everything that’s going on, a little happy isn’t out of order, I don’t think.” She took another sip of her beer and pondered it thoroughly before nodding. “So that’s why.” 

There was no way out. The best she could do was a dignified surrender to the interference of Ashley Williams. She drained the bottle of beer and tapped the bar for another. “So how does he look at me when he thinks no one is looking?”

“Like you hung the stars in the sky, skipper. He’s a total goner.” 

The corner’s of Zahra’s lips twitched, then a smirk curved her mouth and a dangerous glint shone in those eyes. “Thanks, Ash. That’s valuable intel.”

“I try to be helpful, ma’am.” Ash tossed off a lazy salute over an ear to ear grin. “You know, now  _ this _ is a lot more like the family tradition. Not a complete family gathering without commentary on someone’s love life.”

“Happy to make you feel at home.” There was no keeping the sigh out of her voice, and Williams’s grin somehow got wider.

“See. You do care!”

Zahra’s head smacked the bar again.


	12. Sights

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zahra wasn't the only one impacted by Talitha's standoff with C-Sec. Garrus had seen bad situations get worse too many times to count, but Zahra offers a unique human perspective. At least that can distract her from thinking about her dead sisters.

“Hell of a thing, Shepard, talking a kid down like that. Always hated those calls.” Garrus’s gaze fixed into the middle distance in the gloom of the cargo bay.

She should have expected a little commentary on her past being thrust so obviously into the limelight. Arms crossed, she said, “She’d been through a lot, more than most people ever have to think about going through. Just glad she’s going to get some help and have a chance to get better.” 

A notification of admittance had popped up in her messages not long after C-Sec had taken Talitha away. While Zahra wouldn’t receive specifics, she would get general updates and movement alerts. It would be enough.

It would have to be.

“Still, never heard of anyone getting talked into taking their own sedative. Most of the time they end up darted.” There was something in his voice and how his flanges moved that pulled at her attention. Then understanding fell into place.

“How many were you called out on, Garrus? How many ended with a long distance dart shot?”

“Most of them. Had to be fast and sure. Darts have a different trajectory than bullets, and if I missed, well, they wouldn’t.” His voice went flat and his flanges were stoically still.

“Can’t always save people from themselves, trust me on that one. I know. But, you know, you see enough shit, and I’m starting to think trying is better than not. How much happens just because someone doesn’t try? Always worth trying, Garrus.” There was no way to know if she was getting through to whatever brooding place Garrus had gone to. His head cocked to the side like a bird’s before shaking the idea away.

“Heh, you don’t understand turians very well, then. Its success or failure, no points for good effort,” he said, something bright and sharp in his eyes. She held his gaze, making him actually look at her instead of focusing on the thoughts running around inside his own head.

She knew how easy it was to get lost in there. How easy it would be to think about her own sisters. Better off dead than tortured for years. Or if they had been taken there could have been hope. She could have found them again. One day. Or never.

It was a rabbit hole Zahra pulled herself out of, hard and fast like a ship breaking atmo.

Bird-bright eyes fixed on her. She swallowed thoughts before Beacon-tinged memories could surface.

“You’re on a human vessel with a human crew. For us what matters is getting back up again. Doesn’t matter if you’ve been beat to hell, been kicked around and defeated. There’s worth in standing back up even when you know you should stay down. And that’s the kind of person I want on my crew and at my back.” He was quiet and looked down at the new sniper rifle in his hands. Then he deliberately clicked a new sighting mod into place before meeting her eyes once more.

“I see your point, and thanks, for the different perspective. Don’t know if it’ll take. Lots of social conditioning there, but it’s something to think about. Thanks, Shepard. Didn’t mean to get a pep talk out of you.” His flanges flared, this time in a way she recognized as a grin, and she smiled back.

“It’s okay. I’m thinking about having a punch card. Ten pep talks and the eleventh one is free.” She stood and held out her hand. He took it, levering himself up.

“But they’re free anyway,” he pointed out, and she put on an upset expression.

“Damn it, there goes my retirement plan.”

He chuckled, a low, rumbling sound, and he raised his chin. “Just have to keep at this soldier thing a little bit longer.”

“Guess so,” she said with an affected sigh. Her knuckle struck the ammo case, and she made her way to the elevator. The door slid shut. Alone with the Normandy for a few precious seconds, Zahra let her forehead rest on the cool metal of the wall. 

Talitha wasn’t her sisters. Her sisters were gone, and there was no knowing if they could have escaped if they’d been taken. They were gone, she reminded herself. Gone. And there was no getting them back.


	13. Drop

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Liara's first mission is a go! Only problem: no one warned her what doing a Mako-drop with Zahra is like.

“Liara,” Zahra barked, “suit up. You’re coming on this one.”

Head jerked up from the datapads and microscope and samples, the girl turned worried eyes on her. “I am? I mean, yes, ma’am! I’ll be ready in just a moment, I have to—”

“ _ Now _ , T’soni.” She pointed her finger out of the lab bay, and Liara scrambled out with barely enough time for the door to open. Breaking into a lazy trot, Zahra made her own way down to the hold, passing by Chakwas with a rap of her knuckle to the doc’s desk, and arrived to find Williams double checking the seals on Liara’s suit.

“Mako prepped?”

“Ready to go, Commander,” Garrus said as he wiped some grease off on a rag. 

Tali popped up from the hatch and waved a little tool—Zahra could never tell what was what—imperiously. “If you could avoid more rockets, that would be good. I’ve boosted the shields again, but not getting hit is optimal.”

“What’s the point of armor and shields if you don’t use them?”

“Commander,” Alenko said with a grimace. “As your field medic, that’s not funny.”

“That wasn’t a joke.”

“Yeah. I know.”

She frowned at the resignation in his tone, but Wrex’s laugh cut off her reply. “Shepard, are you sure you don’t have any krogan ancestry?”

“How would that even be possible considering humans have only been aware of the—”

“He knows, kid,” Williams said as she cut off Liara’s babble. Zahra chalked that bit of social awkwardness up to nerves. And the weird fact that everyone was in the cargo bay for some reason. 

“Don’t any of you have a better place to be?”

Garrus and Tali had some reason to be around, but they were definitely lingering. Alenko had no cause to be down here, and he rolled his shoulders like that was some kind of answer. Then Wrex chuckled darkly. “And miss the kid’s first drop? Not on your life, Shepard.”

Liara’s cheeks turned a deeper blue. Oh god help her, the kid was blushing.

“That, that means a lot to me. I know it was hard to trust me at first, but—”

“Come on, Liara,” Williams said, taking the girl by the elbow. Like how an MP might march off a delinquent recruit. “Let’s get you strapped in.”

Zahra turned suspicious grey eyes on the rest of her crew. Tali’s fidgets gave her away, and Garrus’s flanges twitched. Wrex was already grinning, but Alenko merely returned her look with a bland expression. But she thought she caught the barest curve of the corner of his mouth.

From inside the Mako, she could hear Williams going over all the instruments and drop procedure and Liara’s protests that she’d read all the manuals. Oblique references to her driving pushed to the back of her head, Zahra huffed and climbed in the Mako. 

She closed the hatch behind her.

“Alright ladies,” she said as she began the warm up sequence. 

“Um, Commander Shepard, I should remind you that—”

“It’s just a figure of speech, Liara.”

“Oh.”

Zahra swallowed a sigh and managed to not roll her eyes. The last pre-checks done, Williams reached over and tugged Liara’s straps again. “Ashley, did you not already check that three times?”

“Doesn’t hurt to do it again. You might want to brace, kid.”

“That’s enough out of you, Williams,” Zahra grumbled, but a knife’s edge of a smile worked its way onto her face all the same. 

The comms crackled and Joker’s tinny voice said, “Over the drop zone, Commander.”

The cargo bay door opened as the Normandy cut through the high atmosphere of the planet. Air friction flared at the edge of the fully extended door, and Zahra reached over head to flick one final, yet very important switch.

Speakers pulsed into life, and a heavy bass beat thumped inside the Mako.

“And drop is go!” she shouted over the music and her stomach flew up into her mouth. She whooped with delight as the Mako fell like a stone to the planet below. 

Liara screamed.

“No god can hear you now, kid! We’re in the hands of someone way more crazy!” Williams yelled over the music and the blaring warnings from the readouts. The lights on the command console blazed yellow.

Zahra ignored the pleading to any and every deity and drummed on the controls for her favorite part of the song.

“Commander!” Williams cried just as the drum solo got going.

“What?” she shouted back, frowning. This was the best part.

“Shouldn’t you  _ slow us down _ ?” She pointed at the display, going from yellow to red. 

“I would have if you hadn’t distracted me at the drum solo!” she shouted, and then fired the retro rockets. Her stomach reversed trajectory and dropped to the floor, right as the music shifted tempo.

The Mako slammed into the ground at just shy of destructive velocity. The instruments registered all clear, no damage. Preening, Zahra fixed their location on the nav computer, and accelerated.

Williams groaned and checked Liara’s seat before her own. “Skipper, we gotta reconfigure the ‘any landing you can walk away from’ standard. You take it too literally.”

“Look, smooth sailing from here. All nice even ground, look,” Zahra said, pointing out the window to the sandy expanse. Wind howled outside the Mako, stirring up a dust devil. “We’re not far from the bunker.”

“After this, I believe a fire fight would be less exciting.” In the now dimly lit Mako, Liara pressed her hand to her chest.

“Careful what you wish for, kid,” Williams replied wryly. Zahra turned down the music to a less ear-destroying level, but kept up tapping out the drumbeat on the steering mechanism. The board was back to happy green, which was probably the same color as her passengers. 

“Yes,” Liara said faintly. “I believe I am learning that with great speed.”

Sure it was another planet, another mission, and probably another fight. Though hopefully she could talk her way out of it with the kid along. Baby mission was her goal today. But she still had this. Zahra turned in her seat and raised one eyebrow. “Another thing to learn. Human custom. Driver picks the music, passengers shut their cake holes.”

Liara’s browline furrowed. “That doesn’t quite—” 

“I’ll explain later,” Williams assured Liara. “Just be thankful it’s over.”

Zahra turned the music back up.


	14. Push

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a nuke and getting her car stolen by slavers, Zahra gets a little punchy, Alenko gets skittish, and Zahra gets confused.

“Can we not play with nuclear devices for a while, Commander? I’d take it as a personal favor,” Alenko stood and wiped the sweat from his forehead. The counter stood at a glaring red 00:03. Garrus snorted and stood as well.

“Agreed,” Garrus said, then he scanned the cavern like a hawk on the wing. “Any ideas on how we get out of here?”

“I saw another shaft back off the central cavern. Maybe we can get the door open,” she said, eyeing the bomb. “I’ll check that out while you two break this thing down.”

“Work, work, work,” Garrus grumbled, but there was an almost manic cheer underneath it.

“That’s the first time I’ve ever heard a turian complain about work,” Alenko noted, grinning. Garrus laughed, his flanges flaring.

“I’m not a normal turian, Alenko, but then no one on the Normandy is normal. It seems to work out better that way, though.” 

Zahra left them to their task and explored the mine, finding that the other shaft did, indeed, lead out. Once they were done, and Zahra had a small hunk of radioactive rock in her pack, they clipped their helmets back on before emerging back into the red rock landscape. Just needed to get back to the Mako to make rendezvous, but as they moved out they found a whole band of the asshole slavers encamped just below them. 

Then she noticed something that was just down right offensive.

“They stole my car!” she exclaimed, seeing the Mako on the edge of the camp. “Those bastards stole my car!”

Alenko pulled her down to lie flat on the ridge. She fixed her glare on the worst pieces of filth in the galaxy and ignored the irritated, clipped tones of her Lieutenant. “You like that thing more than anyone should.”

“Hey, it’s a damn fine vehicle with great speakers and rockets. What’s not to love? Besides, it’s the principle of the thing.”

“Hm, I can start to pick off a few from the ridge here, cover you while you make your approach,” Garrus said, steadfastly ignoring her declaration. With a negligent flip of her hand, she acknowledged the plan.

It was a good plan. One she should stick to.

But this was  _ her car _ damn it. And they were slavers.

Twisting around, Zahra swung her legs over the ridge and curled her fist and drew it to her chest. Blue leapt up all around her and she unslug her shotgun as she slid down the ridge. 

“God damn it!” Alenko cried. The static-crackle of his biotics coming online made her smile. The concussive boom of a sniper rifle echoed over her head and one asshole car thief went down. As the rest of them turned to locate the source of the sound, it was too late. She gained her feet, and unloaded her shotgun on the closest one. He bowed backwards with the force of the shot, but raised his pistol right at her helmet.

And he suddenly froze in place.

“At your five, Commander.” Alenko’s normal rumble was terse, but he drew even with her and fired his pistol into the oncoming enemy. The thief locked in stasis made handy cover.

Zahra curled the fingers of one hand into a claw and squeezed at an oncoming krogan merc. A guttural roar ripped from the merc as a mass effect field ripped him apart, and she worked the action on the shotgun fast as she could as the idiots kept charging her. Another crack of a bullet overhead, and another went down hard from a sniper shot. Alenko circled right, and there was an electric fizzle in the air, and a salarian went to his knees and writhed on the ground.

Then there he was, the asshole who had tried to blow her up. 

And had admitted to being a slaver.

“Wrong move, buddy.”

“Commander, what—” 

Teeth bared in a snarling smile, she ran right for him. Biotic static surged along her body, and her teeth hummed.

“Shepard!” Panic tinged the edges of Alenko’s voice, but he was a world away. Zahra slammed full body into the fucking son of a bitch and bore him to the ground. He swung his gun up to her faceplate. Rolling her shoulders back, she twisted around it and grabbed his wrist and forced it to the ground. Her fist came up, blue and bright, ready to fall like the hammer of an angry god.

She smashed his faceplate. Oxygen rushed out in a hiss. Hands clawed uselessly at his faceplate and he died suffocating.

With a deep intake of breath, Zahra stood up. Sweat coated her back and she flexed her fingers. Sparks danced over her hardsuit, but she was otherwise intact. “We clear, gentlemen?”

Alenko didn’t answer. He faced her, but for once she had no idea what was going on behind that faceplate. Garrus trotted down the slope of the ridge, a low chuckle coming over the comms. “No contact, Commander. Though after that, I’m not sure anyone still standing would’ve stuck around.”

“Is the payload still intact, Commander?” Alenko asked evenly. Her nose wrinkled at the tone or lack thereof. Wasn’t the first time she’d charged in, wouldn’t be the last. She thought he’d gotten used to it by now. More than that. Appreciated it. 

_ I prefer adventurous women. _

Her jaw worked silently for one breath, two breaths. “Yeah, payload is still five-by-five. Joker,” she said as she triggered the channel for the Normandy. “We need a pickup and a solar flyby.”

“Oh hey, you’re not atomized. That’s cool. We’re en route and will be there in six minutes, Commander. Solar flyby, huh? I suppose that’s one way to get rid of a nuke. Joker out.”

Alenko checked his weapons and headed for the Mako. “I’ll make sure they didn’t do anything to your  _ car _ , ma’am.”

Zahra was grateful for the full helmet, because complete confusion was all over her face. So great, she had six minutes, six whole fucking minutes to contemplate just how she’d fucked up this time. Because that was what she always did.

But this time, this time it felt worse. This wasn’t a Earth-born woman who had a fancy apartment and high paying job and wanted all the thrill and none of the reality, or a Navy guy who said he understood but never figured out that she needed her career, too. Wasn’t even a dark corner of a bar and a bit of fun.

Shit, what the fuck  _ was _ this?

Because she sure as hell didn’t know, and now he was pissed, and if there was one constant in her life, it was that Zahra Shepard Fucked Up Relationships. She didn’t even know what this thing was and she’d fucked it up.

New low.

And she didn’t know what to do about making it better. Except that this time she wanted to.


	15. Ghosts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zahra had little sisters once, and with the Beacon blurring the lines between past and present, their ghosts come to the surface at really odd times. Like in the middle of a firefight.

“Tali! Rockets!” Zahra flung herself at the quarian and tackled her to the ground. Right hand curled into a fist and pulled to her chest, her biotics were a corona over her armor. Bullets pinged off, warping her field and fizzing off harmlessly, but she couldn’t hold this forever. Tali rolled onto her belly and pumped the action of her shotgun. The shot took the nearest pirate—a human in now ruined armor—full in the chest. Then she started to fiddle with her omni-tool.

The pirates kept coming.

“Tali.” Zahra’s voice was a low warning. She fired down the sight of her pistol, but that wasn’t going to be enough to stop the krogan. 

“I’m working on it!” God fucking help her, having all these kids around. Tali always fiddling with something instead of just shooting the enemy.

The red trail of a laser sight caught in the corner of her vision. “Cover, now!”

Zahra’s skin prickled as a blue point in space crackled and expanded, a tiny point unfolding into a mass effect field. The sniper got off a wild shot, and a cloud of dust shot up at her feet. The scream was pretty satisfying, though.

“That krogan is charging, Shepard.”

“Didn’t notice at all, Liara, thanks.” 

So much for baby missions for their Prothean expert. Zahra unslung her shotgun and shifted her feet. Ready stance, grounded, force out and force bracing, her arm tensed to  _ throw _ , and then—

“Got it!” Tali exclaimed.

Before Zahra could ask, the krogan roared as his gun shorted. He dropped the now fused hunk of metal and lowered his head.

“Oh fuck.” Zahra grabbed Tali’s arm and hauled her up and shoved her back at Liara. The asari curled her fist and a barrier sprang up around her. That was the last thing Zahra saw before the krogan slammed into her, driving her down to the ground. Breath whooshed out of her lungs and her head rung like a struck bell.

“Shepard!” Her name echoed across the comms, two high, girlish voices— _ “Zee!” Norah and Karima shout as she steps through the door. Her two biggest fans, no matter what. She picks up her sisters, one under each arm and swings them around. They laugh and laugh—  _

“Shepard!” they cried again. The krogan’s boot pressed on her chest, and she turned her head. Dirt and rocks grit along her helmet. Tali and Liara were pinned. Another sniper in the far tower and two asari charging. Behind them a salarian crouched, the glow of his omni-tool blending into the orange-brown sand of the planet. 

She grit her teeth as disjointed memories floated to the surface of her mind— _ Karima presses Norah’s face to her chest on the landing pad with the other kids.  _

Gunshots break the air, but Zahra glared up the krogan. He bared his teeth in a grim, gluttonous grin. Fingers curled around the sole of the combat boot on her chest, and she braced. Not this time, not this— _ “Sisters… landing… pad…” The words bubble between Mom’s lips with her blood. Hands over her stomach, holding her stomach in. Old rifle is on the kitchen floor next to her.  _

Static crackled over her skin, and the krogan cocked his massive head. The scent of ozone filled her helmet. She bared her teeth and  _ pushed _ . Red tinged memories that held an echo of the Beacon flooded her head— _ Karima lighting the Shabbat candles stained with the blood of Protheans, Norah answering the questions on Pesach while a Reaper thrums in the background _ . 

“Not this fucking time!” she yelled. Lighting cracked through her, searing along her spine. Screaming through the pain, she  _ lifted _ the krogan off of her and up and up and up. And fuck she didn’t care where he came down. Rolling to her feet, she grabbed the first gun she could lay her hands on. Her own shotgun. Handy.

She slammed full body into the nearest asari and unloaded her shotgun into her fucking face. The other screeched and extended her hand, but before she could close it into a fist, Zahra grabbed her wrist and yanked. Pulled off her feet, the asari pitched forward and Zahra shoved the muzzle of the gun under her chestplate. She pulled the trigger and the asari crumpled to the ground.

“Liara! Get that salarian!” she yelled, pointing. “Tali, sniper!”

In quick succession, Liara lifted lifted the salarian into the air, and Tali fried every electronic system the sniper had. His body convulsed and fell out of the distant tower in a heap.

“Shepard that was amazing!” Tali enthused bouncing on her toes— _ Norah wiggles happily as a judge placed a blue ribbon beside her science project _ . 

Liara’s smile was less effusive, but no less pleased— _ Karima quietly proud as she finishes her dance routine _ . “Are you alright, Shepard?”

Zahra blinked the image away. “Yeah, fine.” 

A whir in the air above her made her look up. Something was falling. And getting larger. “Shit!” She dove forward and pulled both Tali and Liara back. The heavy body of the krogan slammed into the ground.

“No contact, Commander,” Tali said brightly

“Kids,” she muttered under her breath. Zahra unloaded her shotgun into the krogan’s body for good measure. “Just get to the damned car before something else tries to kill you two!”

“Kill us?” Tali asked innocently, hand pressed delicately to her chest. “I think that krogan was after  _ you _ , Shepard.”

Liara, a little laggard on banter, imitated Tali and turned wide eyes on Zahra. “Yes, I think you are in the greater danger here, Commander.”

“Just. Get in the fucking car!”

Like they hadn’t just died, Tali laughed as she trotted toward the Mako, Liara’s laughter was a little more nervous. “I believe I am beginning to understand banter.”

“Good, it’s more fun that way, isn’t it?”

“Yes, it is!”

Zahra shook her head and stomped her way across the ground, but for a second—“ _ You have two little sisters to protect now, ahuva. You’ll protect them always, won’t you?” Mom smiles, and Zahra nods as she stares down the newborn and the one-year-old. One is red and wrinkly, the other chubby and soft, but they’re hers. Hers to protect. Her little sisters. _

Zahra blinked and the image was gone, a ghost.


	16. Shield

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wrex said the armor didn't mean much to him, not really. Zahra wasn't buying it.

Wrex sat in the Mako, old, battered armor at his feet.

“Seen a lot of action, this thing,” Williams remarked. The chief didn’t touch it, but Wrex picked up the armor like she was about to.

“Yeah, lot of Urdnots died in it.”

“Hope it got cleaned out first.”

“Heh, not like you to get squeamish, Williams. No other way to pass it on. Once, a krogan warrior came back with his armor, one way or another.”

“ _ Come back with your shield or on it _ ,” Zahra quoted absently. The Mako’s axles whirred in a way that would worry anyone not her. Not her fault the pick up zone Joker dictated was up a damn mountain. One little volcanic landing and he got  _ picky _ . Probably could bust him down for that, but he was the best pilot she’d ever seen.

“What’s that, Shepard?” Wrex drummed his fingers on the armor. Probably didn’t even know he was doing it.

Zahra flipped a few switches—Tali had installed something new, she’d said, and now was the time to try it—and the Mako’s rear retrorockets fired. Instead of boosting off relative to the ground, a mechanism whirred and the rockets shifted orientation.

“Shit, Skipper, some warning!” Williams yelped as the rockets provided just enough thrust to get them over the last hurdle. Then they were on the plateau with nothing for anyone to complain about.

The Mako safely parked, Zahra sent up the beacon for the Normandy. Swiveling the chair around, she kicked her legs out in front of her and gave Williams a helpless shrug before going on with her explanation. “Old warrior culture on Earth, Ancient Greeks. Well, one stripe of them. Back then, city-states were all the rage, and there was one, Sparta, that was all about war and conquest.”

“Ha, I knew you humans weren’t always so soft. Well, except you two. You two are fun.”

“Thanks,” Williams said with a grimace. “I think.”

“You’re practically krogan. Proud, fierce warrior females! Nothing better!”

“Wrex, you really do say the sweetest things. You must get all the krogan girls.” Zahra gave him a wry smile, and he barked a dark laugh.

“Not just the krogan ones. Gotta keep them away with a stick, Shepard.”

“Now  _ there’s _ an image, Skipper.”

Zahra shrugged. Still a minute or two until pick up. “Anyway, Spartans, they had a saying:  _ come back with your shield or on it _ . Story goes that mothers said that to their sons when they went to war. Bit like your armor: come back in victory or come back honorably dead.”

Wrex watched her, large head swinging back and forth to catch her in one red eye and then another. “What happened to them?”

“A few wars, some victories, but they eventually got too top heavy, socially. More slaves than actual citizens, too much territory they couldn’t control. Coups, rivalries, and about twenty-four hundred years ago, another king entered the city with his own army. For all the military victories to their name, they were too rigid to change. The number of families that were full citizens grew smaller and smaller and corrupt. No one aside from those families could serve in Sparta’s formal military, and their military kept fighting wars they couldn’t really win. They whittled themselves away, basically.”

The interior of the Mako was quiet, just the metallic tinking of dust hitting the hull plating.

An alarm beeped, and Zahra swiveled the chair back around to acknowledge the Normandy’s beacon. The air sheared as her ship flew overhead and came around.

“Didn’t know you were a history buff, Skipper.”

“I liked history as a kid. Did some military history for my officer training and N-School. Nothing formal, never did do well on tests, but it wasn’t bad reading. Way more crazy than any adventure novel. Some shit, you just can’t make up.”

Wheels hit the specialized track, and Zahra let the mechanized blocks do their job of securing the Mako in its spot. Williams cracked a smile.

“LT is right, you got hidden depths.”

Zahra’s face went blank, and Williams flinched like she’d forgotten something. Zahra did not want to think about how Alenko was avoiding her right now. Or how she was avoiding him.

“Well, gotta keep everyone on their toes, Chief.” She opened the hatch and gestured for Williams to go first. 

Through the opening, Zahra could already hear Tali’s muttered, “Came down hard on the axles again.”

“But look at this,” Garrus’s voice joined the fray, “she used the modification.”

“As intended?!”

Zahra rolled her eyes and snorted in the relative privacy of the Mako’s interior, and then caught herself. Wrex was still sitting in his seat, chair straps undone because he never did them up in the first place. For once, he’d been quiet enough that she forgot he was there.

“Tell me something, Shepard,” he said quietly. More quietly than someone with a mountain’s rumble for a voice should be able to. “These Spartans. You humans still talk about them?”

“Yeah. Lots of people get them wrong, though. But then, near as I can tell, no one learns from history.”

Wrex contemplated the old armor in his lap. It was beat to shit. Bullet holes all over and one rent that looked like a claw mark right down the left arm plate. Centuries out of date and not much more than an art piece, it was like the old Spartan shields she’d seen in a museum. An impressive piece of military hardware for the time, but left behind by a world that kept changing no matter how much some people wanted it to stay the same. 

Wrex raised his heavy head and bared his teeth and a flat grin. “You got that right, Shepard. Most people are idiots.”


	17. Wolves

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's a question of what part of yourself you feed. For Garrus and Zahra both, the conflict was ongoing.

There was a rainbow of the blood on the medical equipment.

Garrus stared at the body of Dr. Saelon splayed on the floor. Zahra holstered her shotgun and stepped between him and the dead doctor. Startled by the movement, Garrus flinched like a bird about to take flight, but his flanges were damned still.

“Come on, we should get back to the Normandy.”

“Right, yeah.” His gaze swept over the biohazard rainbow, green salarian blood oozing out to join the rest. “What’s going to happen to the ship?” The edge in his voice pushed the limits of her translator.

“We’ll comm Hackett. Fifth Fleet can come tow it away. Impound it. We’ll drop a comm-buoy on our way out of the system.” She left the grisly room behind, and Garrus and Williams followed her out. Their footsteps echoed hollowly throughout the empty ship. 

On the Normandy, Williams sidled away and started to stow her gear with a sympathetic glance over her shoulder. Garrus kept his head down and stared past a bulkhead.

Silent treatment, then. Like she wasn’t getting enough of that from one of her crew already.

“You got something to say to me, Vakarian?”

Bright, pin-point eyes fixed on her in the dimness of the cargo bay and then glanced away.

“No, Commander.”

“Well,” she said slowly. “That’s bullshit.”

“What?”

“Come on, Garrus, I don’t have a use for people who don’t speak up. Annoyed the shit out of me when I was only enlisted, and I know you hate high handed bosses. Besides.” She cracked a grin and didn’t pay too much attention to the blood spatter on her armor. “Good policy to not let a sniper get pissed at you.”

A low, mirthless chuckle escaped him. “Good policy, Shepard.” He sighed. “Alright, fine. I suppose I get it, what you keep saying about the right way, not the fastest way. Seen you do it. But you know, sometimes you  _ don’t _ . Haliat comes to mind, that slaver? You went for the kill, Shepard, and a pretty hard one at that. Don’t get me wrong, don’t think that was a fight we could’ve avoided, but that was personal for you. And that’s what it was for me with Saleon. Personal.  _ I  _ wanted him dead. That’s what mattered most to me. But you.”

“Sometimes I fuck up,” she admitted. Fingers pressed against her temples, and she wondered if God was laughing at her for this. If he existed, probably. Mom had always objected to the idea of a god with a sense of humor, but nothing else fit. A  _ sick _ sense of humor. “Actually, I fuck up a lot, Garrus. You can have the best of intentions, and still come out doing the wrong thing. You can want to kick the world over, and end up doing something good. Humans have been arguing about ethics since we could talk, and we’ve written enough about it to fill libraries. But I don’t have an answer for you. Wish I did cause then I’d have an answer for  _ me _ .”

“Somehow, I was expecting something more in your pep-talk range.” His head was still, but the flicker of his flanges shouted his silent amusement.

She barked a laugh. “Sorry, no punch this time for the pep-talk card. Look, we all do our best. We all have angels and demons, Garrus, and trust me, I get being angry.” Her undershirt was soaked through, and she wanted nothing more than a shower. But those bird-bright eyes glared at the dark corner of the cargo bay like he wanted to sight it through a scope. 

God damn it, why was she like this? Could tell the truth straight to someone who needed to hear it, but the second she tried to think about how to talk to Alenko her mind went completely blank. No, Zahra, she told herself, mind on the job. And keeping your crew from disappearing down a dark hole in their own head was part of that.

Alenko would have to wait.

“I got into fights a lot when I was a kid. Someone would pick on my friends or my sisters, and I’d go in swinging. So one day my dad sits me down and tells me a story.” She ran an armored hand through her short, spiky hair, static sparking off of it in the dimness. “There’s this old man sitting on his porch talking to his grandson—and this kid is always getting into fights, too—and the old man says that in everyone there’s a fight, like a fight between two wolves. One wolf is our selfishness, our pride, our hate, and fear. The other wolf is our selflessness, our humility, our love, and acceptance. Both are strong, neither will back down. Boy asks his granddad which wolf wins. Old man looks his grandson dead in the and says:  _ the one you feed _ .” 

Garrus hummed. “I think I get what you’re saying. Kind of makes sense. Never thought of it like that.” He regarded her solemnly, his head tilted to the side, his crest casting shadows in the dim light. “Thanks, Shepard. Looks like I got a pep-talk out of you anyway.”

“Guess you did,” she said wryly. “Tell you what, we’ll do the punch card later. I gotta get out of this armor before I fully marinate.”

“Don’t let me stop you.” His tone matched hers, and she huffed. She turned to leave when he asked, “Hey Shepard, your dad, where’d he hear the story from?”

Her nose wrinkled in the remembered betrayal of a fifteen year old when she’d asked the same question. “Some old huckster priest back in the 20th made it up to sell books. Dad was a 20th century history buff, probably came across it himself.”

“Huh. That must have been a little upsetting.”

“Nah. Well, yeah, but I get it. He meant well, and it did get me to stop fighting so much. Now, before I get more disgusting, anything else, Garrus?”

“No, Shepard. Thanks.”

“Anytime,” she said with a backwards wave. Her back hit the elevator wall and for all of half a second she felt  _ good _ . Sure the mission had gone a bit pear shaped, but not  _ terribly _ , and Garrus maybe wouldn’t be so hell bent on vengeance. And maybe it was good for her to remember dad’s advice right about now.

_ The one you feed, Zee, is the one that wins. So ten deep breaths, okay? And think about what the good wolf would do _ .

Story worked for a ten year old with a hair trigger.

Stepping out of the elevator, her stomach clenched uncomfortably as she realized what station she had to go past to get to her cabin, but then he wasn’t even there. A strange mix of relief and disappointment sat like a lead weight in her chest, but she stalked to her cabin and threw her gear off and herself into the shower. Maybe it wasn’t a real story, but there was something about it. 

Something that rang true for her anyway. What part of her would she feed. Out here in the black and on her own.

Clean, Zahra jumped into her BDUs and escaped to the bridge. Joker glanced up at her as she braced her hands on the overhead and stared out the large window. The only one on the ship.

“There something wrong, Commander?”

“Nah, just wanted to see the stars.”

“Your ship, Commander. I suppose you’re entitled to the best view on it.”

Zahra watched the bright pinpoints of light stream past through the blue envelope of the mass effect field and tried to find another pair of wolves in the stars. Like the ones her and Dad had made up over the sky of Mindoir. 

“Damn right I am.”

But they weren’t there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The story Zahra uses is often attributed to various indigenous tribes (most often Cherokee) in the United States, however that is not true. It was, in fact, made up by Billy Graham back in the '70's as a sermon and then to sell a book. Which is, oh boy, problematic. (Source: https://apihtawikosisan.com/2012/02/check-the-tag-on-that-indian-story/)
> 
> However, in terms of getting a 10-year-old kid with a hair-trigger, as Zahra describes herself, to think with her head instead of her fists, it would do the job and parents have to use whatever they have on hand sometimes. I just wanted to be honest about sources, veracity, and what this story actually is instead of perpetuating a lie.


	18. Lament

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How can you miss a place you've never been? Long for a thing you never had? Zahra isn't sure, but Tali certainly feels it.

“This is it, Commander, the main base.” 

“How you holding up, Tali? Been a long series of missions.”

“You go on every mission, Shepard,” she countered archly. “I can keep up.”

“Wasn’t my question, but it’ll do for an answer.”

The twin points of light behind the tinted purple visor turned to slits, and Zahra took that for a smile. Tali had held up well for the whole long slog of driving the geth out of the Armstrong Nebula, never flagging, never complaining. This was her mission, when it came down to it, and bringing her along for every one hadn’t been a question.

The geth at the main base, though, were most of the standard type. More quarian-sized than juggernauts of destruction. 

“Hey Tali, did your people build those big geth units yourselves?” Zahra asked as she holstered her weapon. She nudged one of the destroyed machines with the toe of her boot. The way they sprawled, it looked more organic to her eye than the usual sight of a destroyed machine. 

“Tali! You will want to see this!” Liara called out from the room at the far end of the bunker. Tali left behind her salvage project and dashed through the doorway. Zahra followed half a step behind. Zahra only half paid attention to Liara and Tali as they quickly downloaded the data cache, but then a recording played back. It was a quarian singing. The words were unfamiliar, but there was something about the flow of it, the lament. 

_ “Next year in Jerusalem,” Mom says before ending the vid-message. She taps out a code and sends it to grandparents Zahra’s never met in person. Grandparents who are still in Israel. _

_ “Why do you say that, Mom? Not like we’re ever gonna  _ **_go_ ** _ to Jerusalem.”  _

_ “Never say never, Zahra. It’s where we’re from. It’s our home, the home of our people.” _

_ She rolls her eyes—  _

“Shepard? Shepard?” Liara’s voice broke through the haze of memory. Zahra squared her shoulders and held her shotgun at the ready. Like she damn well should.

“Yeah,” Zarha said quickly. Swallowing her memories, she stood straighter. “Just, uh, struck by something is all. Bit of historical convergent evolution, I guess.”

Liara frowned, confusion plain on her round-cheeked face. “That doesn’t make sense. History can’t converge like that.”

“Made it up just now.” A tight smirk curved her mouth. Liara flushed, still unused to banter in the field, but Tali kept the bounce in her step.

“Well, don’t keep us in suspense, Shepard. What is it?”

“My mother’s people used to have a lament like that quarian in the vid. Same reason, too. Driven from their ancestral home, had to live among people who hated them. But then they got what they wanted.”

“Your mother’s people were able to return?”

Zahra nodded. “Not without a lot of blood. And then the blood didn’t stop.”

Tali stopped mid-bounce. “That sounds ominous.”

“Sorry, Tali, didn’t mean to rain on your parade,” Zahra said and kept her tone dry. No reason to dredge up the past, ancient history in a lot of ways. Except. “Guess that vid got to me, is all. And it makes me wonder, if the geth were watching that, what it was for? Not like it could have useful intel for them.”

“Does it matter why they were watching it?” Tali asked sharply. “For all we know, it was left as a distraction. A trap.”

“I think Shepard has a point, Tali.” Liara spoke softly. A small frown furrowed her features like she was contemplating a puzzle. Academics, never could pass up a mystery. “What if the geth also lament what was lost?”

“Ridiculous!”

“Though not impossible.”

“The geth are working for Saren, or did you forget?” Liara flinched and glanced away at Tali’s snap. Zahra cut her hand through the air.

“Alright, enough. Didn’t mean to bring up bad blood, Tali. Forget I said anything, alright? Look, we gotta get this data back to the Alliance, and we don’t need to waste time here.”

“Of course, Shepard. This can help all of us, I’m sure of it. Trust me, this will be the biggest find in centuries.” The bounce returned to Tali’s step like she couldn’t wait to be surrounded by data and displays. Zahra gestured for Tali and Liara to go first and cast one glance back at the display where the quarian had sung.

So many wars over a strip of land no more than one hundred and fourteen klicks across at its widest point. Studied those wars, to see how a small, surrounded force had kept from being swallowed up. Good allies was part of the answer. Stubborn refusal to quit was another.

_ L'Shana Haba'ah B'Yerushalayim _ .

And all that blood spilled. Was it worth it? Some people still thought so. How hard would it have been, she wondered, to live  _ with _ instead of against?

“More geth!” Tali cried from the doorway. Zahra lowered her head and ran, biotic corona already developing her body. 

Hard to know for sure now. Dad had always said the past was another country. 

She shot the oncoming prime right in it’s chest plate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> L'Shana Haba'ah B'Yerushalayim, a prayer that had been often said at the end of Passover and Yom Kippur among the Jewish Diaspora, translated as "Next Year in Jerusalem." Though in modern times it has taken on different meanings, and will likely do so in the future.


	19. Salt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It can be hard to see parents through anything other than a child's eyes. It's a stumbling block Tali and Zahra both share.

No military vessel was ever completely quiet. Dog-watch were up and about, but most of the crew were in their sleeping pods. Jumping back to Citadel space put everyone at ease. Just one detour before they hit dock, and hopefully they’d find those privateers alive.

Even with the quiet, it wasn’t much of a surprise to see Tali sitting at the mess table, datapads and several holographic displays in front of her. Distraction from her own thoughts or no, there was something almost manic about the young quarian that made Zahra detour off her planned meander.

“You were not kidding when you said this would keep you up,” Zahra said. Tali yelped and lost her grip on the datapad in her fingers. It clattered to the floor. “It’s been over a standard day, kid.”

“Shepard! Warn me before you sneak up on me!” A hand waved about in a lazy admonishment, and she snatched up the datapad before Zahra could retrieve it. Then she went right back to tapping away on the holographic display. Zahra leaned against the counter.

“If I was trying to sneak up on you, why would I warn you?”

“I don’t know.” The bright points of Tali’s eyes didn’t so much as shift.

Zahra sighed. “Tali, that was a joke.”

“Oh, yes, that was very funny, Shepard. But I think I have an algorithm that can— _ keelah! _ I lost it!”

The Normandy’s engine thrummed soothingly in the background. If she concentrated, she could feel it in her boots. The steady  _ whum-whum-whum _ that ran through her chest. Zahra pulled out a chair to sit and started to stack away the datapads. It was a cluttered mess, like when she’d done all her homework on the kitchen table. “This is about your dad, isn’t it?”

The fidgeting was her answer.

“He would never say anything like that, that I had to, to do all this. But I don’t want to disappoint him. You should hear the stories they tell about him. Saving the Flotilla before even his Pilgrimage, and then being sent early. Coming back with new technology that has saved even more lives. He’s a hero, Shepard. How do you live up to something like that?”

_ “If you just tried harder, Zahra!” Mom waves at another lackluster report card. She slumps further into her chair, arms crossed over her chest.  _

Zahra drummed her fingers on the table, pushing the memory away. “You don’t.” She leaned forward on her elbows and held Tali’s gaze as best she could with the mask between them. “Let me tell you something, my mother and I, we had a, I suppose you’d say we had a complicated relationship. I didn’t do well in school, and I didn’t have her faith. I was everything she wasn’t, or she was everything I wasn’t. Either way, it shook out the same. We fought a lot.”

“That must have been difficult. I can’t imagine  _ fighting _ with my father.”

“It wasn’t fun, I can tell you that.”

_ Faces similar enough to be mirrors glare at each other across the kitchen table, grey eyes meet brown and jaws set in stubborn lines. Lips peel back in a snarl. “Sorry I’m not already doing Uni courses like you did, Mom.” _

The muscles of her jaw clenched, hard and tight. She bit down on the memory and held it between her teeth like a bad bit of food. “I didn’t make it easy on her, if I’m perfectly honest. I ditched school just to piss her off and run around with my friends. Even failed some tests on purpose. I figured if nothing I did was ever going to be good enough for her, then I might as well go down spectacularly.”

“That’s,” Tali trailed off, fidgeting at the very thought of willfully going against the grain. Her head dipped as she searched for something to say. Then she met Zahra’s eyes, the bright points behind her mask arched with sympathy. “Sad.”

_ She runs into the house, the copper tang of blood everywhere. Dad’s face is surprised, surprised that there’s a hole in the middle of his forehead, a trickle of red between his eyes. There’s a wet gurgle from the kitchen. She scrambles past the ruin of her home. _

_Zahra kneels in her mother’s blood. Dark eyes meet grey, her father’s eyes in her mother’s face. Mom tries to touch her cheek, but she’s too weak. Zahra presses a hand there. The blood is tacky on her skin. Mouth moves, blood bubbling there with words she can barely hear, “Zahra…_ _ahuva…”_

“Yeah, it is,” Zahra agreed through a tight throat. “We wasted a lot of time, the both of us, trying to be right. Or wishing the other could’ve been something else. My point, Tali, is that your father does love you. I know my mom loved me, even if she wasn’t great at saying it. But don’t let him turn you into something you’re not. Does that make sense?” she asked. 

Young and not young at the same time, Tali regarded the datapads and readouts scattered on the table. A weight made those slim shoulders round forward. Zahra didn’t know what she’d do if she ever met Rael’Zorah. Probably something not very nice. Or politic.

“It does,” Tali said, voice small in her vocoder. “But that doesn’t make it go away. Needing to make him proud of me.”

_ She tastes copper and salt on her lips _ — _ a mother’s blood, a daughter’s tears. _

“No, it doesn’t. But it does give you a handle on it.”

“At least, at least when I return I will have a gift that no one has ever given our people.” The points of her eyes rounded with something like optimism again.

“Damn right, kid. Don’t you ever let anyone take that from you.”

Tali smiled behind her mask.


	20. Gravity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When a certain LT leaves a surprise in Zahra's cabin, she really doesn't know what to make of it. Especially since the last time they talked it didn't go so well. She might just have to, oh no, talk to him about it. The worst.

The elevator door hissed open. Armored hand scrubbing through her spiky hair, she braced for another awkward flyby but Alenko wasn’t at his post. Her Lieutenant had become an expert at avoiding her, and she wasn’t sure if she was glad or pissed off about it. Well, they hadn’t talked since she’d punched a slaver’s faceplate in, and maybe that was for the best if that sent him running. She tossed her helmet on the bed before a flash of color caught the corner of her eye.

There were brightly wrapped powerbars on her desk.

These weren’t Alliance issue, the ones that were packed full of everything a body needed but were only marginally palatable. These were high-end commercial grade, the kind that had flavors beyond ‘possibly chocolate if you don’t think about it too hard,’ and were used by bioball players the galaxy over. They were also more expensive per unit that what they had on board, hence why the Alliance made their own. She picked one up, which revealed a note hidden underneath the pile.

_ Thought you could use these, since you go on every mission. Didn’t know what flavor you liked so there’s one of everything. –K _

“What the ever loving  _ fuck _ ?” Zahra sank onto her bed and stared at the note like it held some kind of answer. What was this? Some obscure test? Maybe an apology? An opening to an apology? Or a nudge to make  _ her _ apologize? Which begged the question, what the fuck did she have to apologize about?

She flopped backwards, not caring that her armor dirtied the sheets. Probably needed to clean those anyway. Raising her head, she glared at the pile. One of every flavor, huh? Hand extended, she concentrated and the static tingled down her arm and through her fingers. Like iron to a magnet, one of the bars flew to her. She caught it and pondered the label. Lemon cake, apparently.

Biting the wrapper, she tore it open and shoved the thing in her mouth. It was delicious. Around a mouth full of food, she yelled at the ceiling, “Seriously. What the  _ fuck? _ ”

Just when she’d started to think they would be better off walking it all back. Hadn’t gone too far at all, really. Just a few glances, bit of flirting, nothing  _ real _ . Except he’d gotten her a bouquet of powerbars.

“God damn it.”

* * *

Zahra wanted to wave the wrapper in front of his face. Alenko was back at his post by the time she’d cleaned off, like he hadn’t been avoiding her all this fucking time. She  _ didn’t _ wave the wrapper in front of his face, though. 

Because she’d thrown it out.

“Lieutenant.” She managed a neutral tone, but the taste of lemon cake lingered on her tongue. “Found something unusual in my quarters. You got any read on that?”

He worked his shoulders like a shrug, but there was something uncertain in how he held himself. In the even measure of his breathing. Too even. “Like I said, going out on every mission can’t be easy for you. I know how many calories we burn, and you don’t rest at all.”

“Appreciate the thought, but I gotta say, it’s a bit out of left field.”

“Commander. Look, I know we haven’t had time together since our last chat and, well. A lot has happened since then.”

_ A lot _ . One way to put it. The terse tone, the avoidance. But then she’d been avoiding him, too. Wasn’t hard for the crew to miss how he hadn’t been on a mission since Halliat’s attempt to atomize her.

This was idiotic, that’s what it was. She could turn around right now and get out of the gravity well that was Kaidan Alenko.

“Alright,” she sighed instead. A tug from behind her breastbone. Just a tug but stronger than her ability to break away like she did every time things got too heavy, too awkward, too messed up because of something she did. “Break it down for me, Alenko. What’s been going on in your head?”

Warm brown eyes regarded her, not wary, but weighing. Something ticked over behind his carefully neutral expression and his dark brows furrowed as he let out a pent up breath. And then it all came out. Vyrnnus threatening that girl he’d liked, getting the shit kicked out of him, and then, “I killed him, Shepard. Snapped his neck. They probably could’ve saved him, if they got him to an infirmary quick enough. But they didn’t. Caused a stir when they shipped him home. BAaT training was shut down. Conatix folded a couple of years later. It’s funny. I’m not sure which of us got the worst of what happened.”

The pieces of his distance fell into place. “You think I lost control.”

“I don’t want to presume, ma’am, but that was, well. Not a standard way to take down an enemy.”

“You think I’m out of control.”

“Now you’re putting words in my mouth, Shepard.”

The corners of his lips turned down, but he held himself back from frowning. Uncurling her fists, she forced her arms down to her sides and breathed out slowly. 

“Alright, I did,” she said haltingly. Fuck, why was this so hard? “Wasn’t fair. But help me out here. If you got thrown back to that day, then why the hell?” She exhaled sharply. No one was nearby, but the Normandy wasn’t a big ship. Quietly as she could, she asked, “Then why the hell did you go to the trouble?”

“Rahna.” He ducked his head and rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly, unable to hold her gaze. “She was fine, but, uh. We stopped talking after that. I didn’t.” A grimace twisted his features. “She was terrified of me after that, just like she’d been terrified of Vyrnnus, and I’m not saying I’m scared of you, Shepard. That’s not it.”

Her jaw clenched, and she swallowed a scream. How could she want to shake someone and kiss them at the same time? For a second, a picture of grabbing his head and laying one on him hung in her mind. No more caring about regs, no more pussyfooting around, just going for it. Like she always did. Instead, she shoved her hands into her pockets and said, “Alenko, do us both a favor and stop coming at this sideways.”

“Not my usual angle, but I’ll try. I wanted—I wanted to talk to you, but I didn’t know how to start. I’d hoped you might just stop by, like you have been, but,” he trailed off. 

“I didn’t. So, what? You thought you’d pick up the biotic-inspired bouquet for me? Guess it worked since here we are, talking. I’ll give you points for powerbars being better than flowers.”

“Powerbars don’t wilt.” A wry grin curved his mouth, and oh Zee do  _ not _ think too much about his mouth. Something tightened in her chest, and her fingers itched to trace the lines of his face. Some part of her ran in circles, a small part that warned this was bad, this was very, very bad.

“I’ve never been good at this sort of thing,” she blurted. A grimace twisted her lips and she forced the rest out. “I have a string of failed relationships longer than my wingspan, which I probably should  _ not _ have phrased like that. I just, people get close, and then they get tired of me. Kind of gotten used to it. I fuck up and they want to leave, or they want me to leave.”

“I don’t think you messed up. And I don’t want to leave,” he said, honey over gravel. Oh dear sweet God, the man was a walking gravity distortion with dark eyes she could fall into if she wasn’t careful. 

Who the fuck was she kidding? Careful was light years behind her now.

“Alright then, what do you want?” Chin raised, eyebrow arched, because like hell she was going to let him have all the play. 

A grin sliced across her face at his momentary panic. 

“You—it’s always head on with you, huh?” He huffed and shook his head at her. “A little context would be all I’m asking for now. Won’t lie, you rattled my cage, Shepard. I don’t usually think of much beyond the job, but for all we’ve been talking you’ve gotten to start from my chapter one. Don’t think we’ve gotten past the cover for you.”

_ Can’t open the book of my life and jump in the middle _ , Jesus fucking Christ that line was coming back to haunt her now.

For a second space shifted and tilted, warped by everything that they hadn’t said. She tumbled in that liminal space, and on the deck of the Normandy she took an involuntary half step forward. They were nearly of a height, and even a foot apart she barely had to look up. Caution to the wind was not his style, and his gaze darted to the exits by sheer habit. 

“That’s fair,” she agreed, her voice oddly soft to hear own ears. His shoulders relaxed a fraction. Her finger tapped idly on the console. “Well, is that offer to grab a beer still good?”

His jaw dropped, and she had to bite the inside of her cheek to keep from laughing.

“Uh, yeah, yeah it is. We’re headed back to the Citadel right? I’ll, um, find a quiet spot.” She could practically see him already running through the options. The Alliance bar was right out for sure. 

“Sounds good. I’ll leave you to it, Alenko.”

“Ma’am.”

She started to walk away. Had to get up to CiC to set the course, but the curvature of the space between them made her turn around.

“Hey Alenko, when did you pick up those powerbars? We’ve been out of dock for weeks.”

His head jerked up, and a flush crept up his neck. “When we were last at the Citadel. I was, uh, saving them. Trying to find the right time.”

Her lips parted in an ‘o’ of surprise, and it was his turn to smile with a smug warmth. 

“Mind on the job, Alenko,” she warned, but the hard edge to her voice only cracked his grin wider. 

His gaze flickered to her, and in a voice that bypassed her brain and went straight down her spine, he said, “Yes, ma’am.”

Zahra turned on her heel and strode up the stairs to the CiC, muttering the whole way about lieutenants who totally knew what they were doing. But her heart wasn’t in it. She hadn’t fucked this up, even if she still had no idea what it was. All she did know was that there was no fighting gravity.


	21. Ladies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The galaxy's most dangerous ladies take a night off while in dock at the Citadel. What could possibly go wrong?

“Skipper.” Williams grabbed her by the arm and pulled Zahra away from the hatch of the Normandy. “Had an idea.”

“This mission related, Chief?” Please don’t let it be mission related, Zahra thought. She had to get off this ship before someone realized she was headed out to something that might or might not be a date. God, when was the last time she’d had a real date, not just a night of stress relief?

“Suppose you could say that,” Williams drawled with a smile on her face just as Tali and Liara came up to the CiC. Tali had a bounce to her step, though Liara’s eyes flickered from Williams to Tali, and then to Zahra like she wasn’t sure she was supposed to be here. “Thought we’d get a drink to celebrate the kid finally going out on missions. She’s trained hard, and I think she’s earned it.”

“I am still not sure of that,” Liara demurred. “But I thank you for the thought regardless.”

“ _ Besides _ ,” Tali interjected. “Ashley said it could be just us girls. I think that would be fun, don’t you, Shepard?”

“Girl’s night out? Really?” Zahra let her voice go flat as she raised an eyebrow at Williams. Williams, the stubborn NCO that she was, just grinned at her.

“Come on, Skipper. We could all use it, and you know it. Blow off a little steam, dance, drink—”

“Though I shouldn’t drink, but maybe I will,” Tali muttered.

“Well, whatever, have  _ fun _ , without guys around, you know?”

Zahra exhaled sharply and pretended to consider it, but Williams watched her with too-knowing brown eyes, while Liara’s blue eyes were wide and hopeful. Not a romantic hope anymore, thank God, but the hope of being part of the team in a real way. And Tali, Tali’s eyes glowed big and bright behind her purple mask.

“It’s a bit last minute, Chief,” she said before a gravelly voice broke in.

“Hey Commander, Ash,” Alenko said as he walked up toward the bridge. “You all going out?”

“Yeah, so don’t wait up, LT,” Williams teased.

“Indeed,” Liara agreed readily. “According to my research, a proper ‘girl’s night out’ must conclude after midnight, preferably after two in the morning.” 

“Well, I’d hate to keep you ladies from having a  _ proper _ girl’s night out.” Alenko regarded them with an amused twist to his lips as he leaned against the bulkhead.

“We haven’t even—” Zahra tried to say, but Tali beat her to it.

“I’ve already figured out where we should go. I promise it’s better than Flux, and we won’t have to go anywhere  _ near _ Chora’s Den. I got a full primer on the Citadel before I left the Fleet, and maybe Purgatory is marked as a place to avoid, but it should be safe with you, Shepard.”

“Sounds like a good night, then, Commander. Don’t let me keep you,” he said, but without even a hint of disappointment or anger. His dark eyes danced with barely suppressed laughter, and Zahra started to wonder if Williams had cooked something up with him. Instead of their maybe-date, she was getting dragged away for some kind of interrogation session. Get her life story out of her without having to do it himself—no, that’s insane, Zee, she told herself. What was he going to do? Object? Insist in front of everyone they had a maybe-date? 

Yeah, cause that was Alenko’s style to a T.

Normally was hers, but Spectre or no, that wouldn’t be a good way to go.

But there was something else she could do. “Pressley!” she called out. In the CiC the shine of his pate shifted as he faced her. “Draw up a shore leave roster. We’ll be here for a few days. Ground crews get first shift, and draw some per diem for everyone, alright? Let them sleep off-ship if they want it.”

“Yes, ma’am!” Pressley called out, and then got to work. An excited mutter ran through the crew on the bridge and in the CiC. 

“Crew’ll like that, Commander,” Alenko said with a nod, and there was something in his face, maybe, that promised he’d try to find her later? Then his lips stretched in a grin. “And try not to break the Citadel. We’ve only got the one.” 

“Oh, I’m sure we’ll be able to keep the firefights, explosions, and high speed chases to a minimum, but no girl’s night out would be complete without at least one, to be honest,” Zahra drawled, grin cutting across her face. 

“I worry about you, Commander, if that’s what you do to relax,” Joker quipped from his pilot’s chair. 

Zahra dismissed the comment with a wave of her hand. “Come on, ladies, we got a bar to get to,” she declared, and left the complication of Kaidan Alenko behind. 

* * *

Kaidan watched her leave, ushered out by Ash and the others. It was a sight to see the normally unaffected Zahra Shepard thrown off balance by her own NCO and two girls who were basically teenagers. But then, this whole cruise had been an exercise in being thrown off balance. 

God knew what the woman herself did to him. When had it started, really? The second she’d stepped on the bridge and her mass effect field was just  _ there _ , a barely held back storm? Or on Eden Prime after the Beacon had burned itself into her head, and he’d waited an agonizing seventeen hours while she’d been unconscious? Or had been a moment he couldn’t pinpoint, when he’d turned around a little too fast to see her one time and caught her smiling, or when he’d realized her eyes were the exact color of the Pacific in winter?

She wasn’t like anyone he’d ever— 

“So don’t even ask, LT,” Joker said. Kaidan shifted and mentally scrambled as he realized that Joker had been talking while he’d been trying to figure out when he’d fallen into the Commander’s orbit. “I don’t do ‘guys nights out.’ They tend to involve too many broken bones. Granted, one is too many, but I hope you understand.”

“Not even playing a few rounds of pool?” Kaidan asked. If his night had been waylaid, maybe he could recoup it. And figure out a way to make good on that beer he’d promised. A few days in dock, well. He had a chance. “There’s a bar that you would swear was lifted right from any human settlement.”

“A menu full of artery clogging food, and a strong stance against dancing idiots?” Joker asked, doing his best to not look interested.

“Health violations and everything,” Kaidan confirmed.

“Alright, fine, I’m in,” Joker sighed. “But I doubt you could convince Garrus and Wrex to come along. Not enough to do with guns.”

* * *

Zahra, for the first time in her life, enjoyed the clack of heels on hard flooring. Mom had tried, Karima had tried, Jae-min had tried. Various girlfriends and partnersd had tried—the memory of Andreas sauntering in his heels was still a good one. But no one had been able to get her to walk right in heels. Until Williams had pointed out a pair of boots with a thick, steel reinforced heel and ankle support. Finally, she was able to walk around in heels without wondering when she would break her ankle.

They arrived at the club in style from the shopping district, taking a rapid transit taxi and sauntering through the main doors. 

“Alright, we’re here to have fun, so you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to, but drinks are on me.” Zahra smiled brightly. The more she thought about it, the better this worked out. Give her some pressure release before having to spill her sad life story to Alenko. And when was the last time she’d had an honest to God girl’s night out? 

The night she and Jae-min drunkenly invaded the Rio zoo probably didn’t count. Miles had been along for that ride anyway.

Williams didn’t waste any time and bellied up to the bar. She got immediate attention in her slinky black number with a slit up the slide and her long dark hair unbound. For a second Zahra wondered if the Chief swung both ways, but then that would be borrowing a dreadnought worth of trouble. “Hey, can I get a round of cocktails for my friends here? And we got one quarian, so she’ll need a dextro drink.”

“I’m still not sure if I want a drink,” Tali protested. “What do you think, Shepard?”

Zahra puffed out a breath, and tried not to feel like an older sister again. She regarded the young engineer for a second while the small additions to the patterns of her suit scintillated under the lights in the club. “If you want a drink, you should get one, but it’s not mandatory.”

Different from her first drink in the woods on Mindoir. Henry had snuck out his dad’s beer, and Charlotte had sat on Zahra’s lap. 

“I would like an Akantha, please,” Liara said without hesitation. Williams raised her eyebrows at Zahra. Liara caught the exchange and flushed a deeper blue. “What?”

“Nothing, Liara,” Zahra said with a laugh. “Just didn’t didn’t expect our academic to know her booze.” She adjusted the shoulder of her top, a shiny gold thing that shimmered but didn’t restrict her arms at all. Between the boots, the top, and the leather pants, Zahra was the most informal she’d been in what felt like too fucking long. 

Yeah, she’d really needed this.

“I do because I am an academic, Shepard,” Liara said primly. Though she kept peering around like she was about to start taking notes, but the kid looked like she belonged here, in a slim-fitting white dress that Williams had nudged her into. “No department meeting was ever complete without the faculty getting very, very drunk.”

“No idea,” Zahra drawled. “If I’d known University was that interesting, I might’ve gone.” 

“Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t—” Zahra waved away Liara’s attempt at an apology. 

“You’re fine, Liara. Alright, barkeep, one Akantha for our friend here, I’ll have the Suntory, Williams?”

“I’m a rum girl through and through, Skipper.” 

“No judgment here, Chief. Alright, Tali, you’re last. I think they have some dextro soda.”

Tali pondered her hands for a long moment. Zahra could almost see the thoughts running through her mind. Not to disappoint her father, let down her people. Too much for a kid to be thinking about. Then she raised her head, that determined tilt like when she worked with a stubborn console that refused to be hacked.

“I have decided that I will drink,” Tali said, and after a thoughtful pause, “after all, with all of us here, how much trouble could I get into?”

* * *

“So the object of the game is to sink the appropriate ball in a pocket, and there are multiple variations of the game.” Garrus eyed the pool table skeptically.

“Exactly. There are three of us, so we’ll play Cutthroat rules” Kaidan handed Joker a cue and grabbed one for himself. “We each get a set of five, and we try to keep those five on the table while sinking the others.”

“Hm, interesting. It’s a game of skill and strategy, involving an application of sightlines,” Garrus mused, then turned to Kaidan, smiling in that way turians did. “You are going down, Alenko.”

“Hey, what about me?” Joker asked, mock offended. “You don’t think I’m any good at sightlines? Being a pilot and all? Ha, I’m going to wipe the floor with both of you.”

“Since you’re both sure you’re going to win, how about I break?” Kaidan lined up his shot. He placed the cue, took a deep breath out, and struck. It was a good break, even if nothing was sunk. Shrugging philosophically, he gestured for Garrus to take the next shot.

“Don’t miss, turian!” Wrex called out, causing Garrus to scratch. He stood and glared at the krogan. “Heh, looks like you did anyway.”

“Thought you weren’t interested in hanging out in a human style dive bar and playing pointless human games,” Garrus remarked. Wrex sat down with a shrug, causing a stool to creak alarmingly.

“Better than staying on the ship, and besides, watching you get beaten by humans will be fun,” Wrex declared. Joker laughed and limped to the table, taking his time with his shot.

“Well, I guess it’s an official guy’s night out, now. I am kind of wondering what the girls are getting up to, though,” Joker commented. Kaidan caught Joker’s glance in his direction. Kaidan resisted the urge to roll his eyes.

“Hm, probably comparing what kind of gun goes with what kind of evening wear,” Garrus suggested.

“Hm, asari merc I knew swore by pistols,” Wrex rumbled. His red eyes glimmered in the bar’s horrible lighting. “She could put those in all  _ sorts _ of places.”

“Ugh, man, I did  _ not _ need that image. Guns shouldn’t go some places, Wrex.” Joker’s face was a study in disgust, and Kaidan wasn’t far off agreeing. “Anyway, Commander’s got Tali and Liara with her. Sure she won’t let anything too crazy happen.”

“You’re probably right,” Kaidan agreed, though he had some reservations on that score. Then inclined his head at the table. “Now, you gonna talk or you gonna play?”

* * *

“Shit, Skipper, you weren’t kidding when you said you couldn’t dance,” Williams yelled over the thumping music. Zahra ignored the comment. Been hearing it all her life. Didn’t matter though, because she had a good buzz going, and she was laughing with her friends. It was hard to beat that, even if Williams was snapping more pictures than was entirely reasonable.

Later, much later, she would reflect that good times never lasted.

“Hey there, ladies.” He was about average height, and in heels Zahra could look down at him easily. Though he was handsome in a blonde kind of way, with just the right amount of fashionable stubble. But there was something about him that made her knuckles itch.

Zahra positioned herself between him and the kids, but Liara blinked owlishly at the man. “Oh, hello. Who are you?”

“I’m Eric, and my friends and I were wondering if you’d like to join us. We’re in the VIP section, and you ladies, well, you are something to behold,” he said, touching Liara lightly on her arm. Williams quickly pulled Liara back as Zahra stepped forward.

“Thanks, but no thanks. Girl’s night out.” Zahra bared her teeth in a false grin. Interloper Eric backed up and spread his hands, like it was no harm no foul, before he put on a superior smile.

“I only go where I’m wanted, ladies. You all have a good night.” He offered a little bow before he left. She watched him go, tracking him back to his table in the VIP section.

“Well he is  _ not _ wanted around here,” Williams muttered darkly. “You alright, Commander?”

“Not the first asshole I’ve had to scare off, and sadly won't be the last.”

“Yeah,” Williams agreed, a shadow crossing over face. Not the first time for either of them, Zahra was sure. No matter how far they came, some troglodytes had to hold humanity back. Then a sly expression stole over the Chief’s face. “He’s not your type is he anyway, Skipper? Think you like ‘em tall, dark, and—”

“Oh Jesus fucking Christ, Williams. One, I don’t have a type, I’m equal opportunity so there, get fucked. Two, we are  _ not _ going to—” 

Liara stumbled. Wiiliams bore the young asari up easily, and they immediately got her back to their table over Liara’s insistence that she was fine.

Tali, never without her omni-tool, quickly scanned Liara.

“That bosh’tet!” Tali exclaimed.

“Is it what I think it is?” Zahra asked, voice dangerously low.

“Yes, and luckily, it was minor exposure. She should be fine in a few minutes,” Tali said.

“Those drugs are illegal in Council Space,” Liara insisted. Williams snorted derisively.

“By now, we should all know how much that matters. Lots of things are illegal, but people like that asshole find a way,” Williams growled. Then she turned to Zahra, brown eyes hard as stone. “What’s your call, Commander?”

She _ should _ call C-Sec, bring them in and let them clean it up. But she also knew that scum like that would have all sorts of ways to wriggle out of charges, even if it was as simple as ditching the drug in the bathroom the second C-Sec crashed the party in their obvious way. And her knuckles still itched.

Besides. He’d gone after her crew. 

Like hell was she going to let this slide.

“Let’s take ‘em down,” she declared, smiling like a knife.

* * *

“Nice shot, Joker.” Kaidan leaned on the pool cue and tried to keep his attention on the game. Seeing as Joker was only one shot away from winning his second round of the night and Garrus had taken one win as well, that really meant Kaidan’s head wasn’t in it.

“Ah, it's nothing. Gotta defend human honor against the turians here, since you’re falling down on the job.”

“Yeah, yeah, laugh it up.”

“What, not going to say its been a while since you played?” Garrus asked, a teasing burr in his voice. “I’ve noticed humans say that when losing.”

“What do turians do when they’re losing?” Kaidan asked. Wrex chuckled.

“Funny you should ask that, Alenko,” the krogan drawled.

“Do you bring that up just to get under my skin, Wrex?”

“Is it working?”

Garrus glared at Wrex, bright bird eyes glittering. Joker slowly backed away from the table, glancing back and forth between the two. The commander never had this kind of trouble from the two of them when she took them out on missions, and he would be damned if he let them hurt each other on his watch.

“Alright, human rules of the bar, stow the bullshit,” he said. Tension still simmered in Garrus’s face, but Wrex barked a dark laugh. 

“Ah, you should see your face, Garrus. You gotta get a better hold on that temper, turian. Won’t do you any favors. Trust me.”

Garrus tilted his head to the side thoughtfully. “Wait, does that mean you care about me, Wrex? I’m touched.” His flanges flared with unconcealed amusement.

Wrex’s broad head waved back and forth like a bull about to charge.

“How about a round of drinks and some food? Wrex, I think I know exactly what you’d like, too.” Kaidan asked and then waved over one of the servers. “Hi there, we’re going to need all the chicken wings you have.”

* * *

“This is not safe, Shepard,” Liara insisted. “You have no weapons, and there are four of them.”

“I know, that almost makes it a fair fight,” Zahra said. “Anyway, Williams has the camera. She can make sure we get evidence of them slipping me something, and as soon as that happens, you and Tali can be there. She can jam their electronics, and you can lock them down.”

“I like the plan, Shepard,” Tali said loyally. “I’ve hacked into his records, and he’s gotten out of more counts of assault than I like to think about. We’ll be doing the galaxy a favor, taking him down. Him and his friends.”

“Thanks, Tali,” she said, then slammed back a drink. “Alright, make yourselves scarce. I’ve got to be a lost little lamb.” The disbelieving snort from all her present crew was not precisely helpful, but she declined to point that out.

Drink in hand, her top showing a little more cleavage than it did previously, she wandered over to the VIP area and caught Eric’s eye. She did her best to look like she was upset about being alone but hopeful that he could fix that situation. He signaled a security guard, who stepped out of her path as she walked up the stairs, exaggerating the sway of her hips.

And tried not to fall down in the process.

There were a few other men there, his friends likely, and some women who were in varying stages of drunkenness. Two were asari, and one was a very young looking human woman.

“Didn’t think you were interested, sweetheart,” he said, oozing scumminess. Static ran down her skin, and one of the asari blinked slowly at her. Drugged. Again, she had to resist the urge to punch him. She sat down next to him and crossed her legs, leaning back into the back of the couch.

“That was before my friends forgot all about girl’s night,” she said, putting a hard edge into her voice. “Had a few drinks and decided, to hell with it, you’re cute. If you’re actually funny, this night might not be a total loss.” She took a sip of her drink and then set it down, letting her arm fall across the back of the couch. He reached into his jacket, drawing out a case and taking a cigarette out, lighting it and taking drag. Letting the cigarette dangle from his lips, in what he probably thought of as a sexy look, he put the case back, and she thought it took him a little too long. The outline of his pocket was off, like there was more than just a cigarette case there.

“Well, then, sweetheart,” he said, trying to make his voice sound deep and husky. Not even close to Alenko’s burr—mind on the job, Zee, she scolded herself. “I think we could manage to find you some better company.” Then he reached for her arm. Just barely, she could make out the powdery sparkle on his fingertips, and it wasn’t the body glitter that got everywhere in a club. Quick as a snake, she grabbed his wrist, bending it backwards as she reached into his jacket with her other hand, removing both cases.

“My one question is how the hell you avoid drugging yourself,” she said, voice low and dangerous. Then she noticed the slight discoloration on his fingers. He a modified glove. Had to, only way his sick game worked.

Instead of pissing himself if he’d been smart, his face turned into a thundercloud. Zahra had a half a second to process that before things got out of control. Rearing back, he kicked her solidly in the chest, snagged the drug case from her hand and ran. His friends, not smart, but knowing better than to hang around, followed on his heels.

“Commander!” Williams tan for her, but Zahra stood, only struggling a little for breath.

“Stay on them, Chief!” The order was out, and Zahra ran down the stairs. Biotics crackling through her, she gently threw the useless security guard out of her way. 

He only barely bounced off the far wall. 

As she ran toward the exit, the others converged on her position, but as they emerged, they saw the men leaping into a car. Casting about, she saw a couple getting out of their car, and she knew she shouldn’t. Really shouldn’t. But the bastard was drugging people!

“Don’t worry, I’m a Spectre!” The civilians scrambled out of her way, and she slid into the sleek car. Leather seats, very nice. Williams, Tali and Liara all piled in with her, and Zahra gunned it just as the doors hissed shut. she called out to the civilians as they all piled into the sleek vehicle. 

“Is this normally how girls night’s out go?” Liara asked archly. Zahra’s grin widened as she dodged oncoming traffic, nearly on that bastard’s tail. Just a little closer and they’d be in range to take him down. 

“Not usually,” Ashley confirmed, “but the Commander seems to have her own way of doing things.”

“Good banter, I really appreciate it, but right now we need to get their car down without hurting anyone. Well, hurting civilians,” Zahra clarified.

“On it, Shepard,” Tali said, and queued up her omni-tool. After a few happy little taps, the quarian chuckled darkly, and Zahra reminded herself not to get on Tali’s shit list. The other car suddenly dipped, stopped, and began to move backwards.

“How do you like that?” Tali chortled. “You’re at the mercy of women now!”

“Loving the poetic justice, Tali, but you better set them down before they do something stupid. Well, more stupid than trying to drug one of my crew.”

“Oh, alright,” Tali sighed. The car settled on a platform. Zahra brought their  _ borrowed _ car down close by. Casually, Zahra sauntered up to it and knocked on the window. No answer. She inclined her head, and Tali forced the locks open. 

The assholes made a dash for it out the other side, but Liara has been waiting for that. In a blink, three of the scumbags hung suspended and trapped in a mass effect black hole. 

“That’s for thinking I can’t defend myself!” Liara declared. But Eric was still running. Williams, however, had been moving and even in heels managed to outpace him. When he saw an angry and excellently dressed Alliance Marine in front of him, he juked to the right. He turned back, and only saw Zahra striding toward him. She could see him running the odds. Her grin was merciless.

“I surrender,” he said, holding his hands up high. Zahra closed the distance, rummaged around in his jacket pocket and found the case still stashed there. Idiot probably thought he had time to ditch it later, if need be.

“That’s the smartest thing you’ve done all night,” she said. “We’re hauling you bastards into C-Sec.”

“Why the fuck would they listen to you? You’re just crazy revenge chicks,” he said, his moment of intelligence clearly short lived. Zahra crossed her arms and grinned with righteous glee.

“Because I’m Commander Shepard, Council Spectre.” 

His eyes went as wide as saucers. “Oh shit.”

* * *

Later, after hauling the predators into C-Sec, returning the car to the nice and bewildered couple, and a unilateral declaration of a craving for a kebab, Zahra sat at a late night café, a plate of something like a kebab in front of her. It probably wasn’t made of beef, but as long it had the right spices, she could forgive the mysterious origin of the meat.

“You were amazing, Liara! Three of them, whoop! Up in the air!” Tali even made little motions and sound effects.

“I had to redeem myself somehow,” Liara said modestly. “That Eric person drugged me, after all, even if it was only a little. Besides, you were amazing with hacking their car. Without that, who knows how we would have brought them down?”

“I’m sure the commander would have thought of something.” Then Williams smirked. “Probably would have been more high impact, though.”

Zahra rolled her eyes. “Always about the driving. Less talking, more eating.” And they happily dug into their very late second dinner for a little time. But again, the peace was interrupted by a distinctly male voice calling out.

“Holy shit, your buddy was right, Garrus, the commander is in a sparkly gold top.” She turned and there was Joker, Garrus, Wrex, and Alenko walking towards them.

“And killer boots, Joker,” Zahra said, holding out one leather clad leg to show it off. She was gratified to see that stop the cheeky pilot in his tracks. Not that she didn’t like Joker. He was a hell of a pilot, and funny when he wasn’t pushing it. But sometimes he needed to be reminded about boundaries and limits.

What she hadn’t expected was Alenko’s eyes to be drawn to her leg because of that. Heeled boots and leather pants, and there was no missing the heat in his dark eyes. Heat that shot through her chest, down to her stomach and—damn his eyes.

Wrex pulled up a chair, effectively ending any kind of notions, and rumbled, “Heard you brought in some bastards trying to steal females. Good for you! Males should fight each other over females, not try to steal them. Cowards.”

“I don’t think I’d let of that lot near me, winning a fight or not,” Williams said, disgust clear on her face. Wrex laughed heartily.

“Good! A female only mates if she wants to! You humans aren’t entirely backwards.”

“But why are you all here?” Tali swing her gaze around, and gestured sloppily with her nutrient mix. Zahra was sober enough to feel bad about letting her get drunk. “We can clearly take care of ourselves.”

“The duty officer you met tonight? Old buddy of mine,” Garrus said, leaning back, clearly amused. “Said Shepard and a crew of dangerous ladies hauled in some club scum they’ve been after for a little while. Even got all the evidence for a full prosecution. Thought we’d offer our congratulations in person.”

“That and we had to see the commander in a, let me say this again, a  _ sparkly gold top _ ,” Joker insisted.

“Joker, you have brittle bones, and I have, let me say this again,  _ killer boots _ ,” she said, smiling with false sweetness.

“Sorry, Commander, but this is always going to be great. You’re a badass, don’t get me wrong. It’s just cool to see this side of you,” Joker said, and she thought he was actually being honest. Rather than reply, she just shook her head, and let it pass.

“I must say, I like that phrase,” Liara said, sitting up a bit straighter. “Dangerous ladies, yes. That seems apt.”

“The galaxy better watch out!” Tali declared. 

“Damn right! Dangerous ladies are on your trail, Saren, and we’re going to kick your ass,” Williams shouted, throwing her fist into the air.

“Glad you all had fun, but I’m wondering Commander,” Alenko’s eyebrow his raised and his mouth quirked into a grin. “How is it you find trouble no matter where you go?”

“Just lucky, I guess,” she said, returning his smile. He huffed and shook his head, but didn’t comment further. Her smile couldn’t be tamped down, and really what was the harm right now?

Then came the unmistakable click of a camera.

“Williams, I will take that damned thing off of you!” she cried and turned around to point at the woman.

Except it was some floppy haired young man with the camera. He handed it back to Williams who grinned from ear to ear. “There you are, that should do ya,” he said in a thick Australian accent.

“Thanks kid!”

“No worries!”

The kid bounced away, his buddies forming around him like a cloud as they wandered away. Williams preened like a proud momma bird as she reviewed the photos. “Come on, Skipper, we needed a picture for the end of the night, too. You know, to remember it all.”

“Oh,” Alenko said under his breath, so quiet she wasn’t sure if she’d heard him right. “Don’t think that’ll be a problem.”

“You’ll send me copies right?” Tali asked.

Liara nodded her interest. “I would like copies as well.”

Zahra’s shoulders relaxed and she sighed. “Alright, Chief—”

“Oh, me too!” Joker exclaimed.

“Killer boots, Joker.” Zahra smirk sliced across her face as Joker's face fell. But Alenko’s gaze flickered to her legs again, and she figured it wasn’t a bad night, all in all.


	22. Close

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zahra and Kaidan try to get a little bit closer, but it was never going to be smooth sailing. Featuring the return of fellow N7s, Miles and Jae-min!

“Kind of reminded of high school right now.” Right down to the adolescent flutter in her chest and knot in her stomach.

“Really? I didn’t think a farm colony would have a place like this.” The neon lights of Zakera Ward blared around them, but Zahra kept her attention on Alenko. 

Heat crawled up her neck and her cheeks. She shrugged and cleared her throat, forcing away the far too high school reaction. Christ, what was wrong with her? “Mostly the sneaking out, the notes, and the clandestine beer. Still can’t believe I had to sneak off my own ship, by the way.”

“Zahra Shepard,” he gasped, hand to his chest like he was shocked. She rolled her eyes but couldn’t help the smile that bloomed across her face. “You snuck out and drank beer while _underage_? No, wait, that kind of fits for you.”

“What?” she asked with a snort. “You never broke the rules when you were a kid.” He opened his mouth, and she held up a hand. “I mean besides BAaT. Under your parent’s roof, all those rules, didn’t you ever just want to, I dunno, get out?”

“Honestly? Not really. That’s, well. Not me. And I was an only child. Didn’t have anyone to egg me on, either. Or sneak out for.” That was a long slow pitch over center if she’d ever seen one, but she managed to not say it. Just think really loudly in his direction and waggle her eyebrows at him. He laughed, that gravelly laugh that tickled her ears. 

“Got me there. But, uh, anyway, here to talk about you, if you’re still up for that.”

“Yeah, that was kind of—”

“Zahra!” a deep voice boomed through the din of the people on the Ward. Before Zahra could flee, a man built like the image of a Viking vaulted over a railing and swept her up in a breath-destroying hug. Like every time Miles hugged her, she went dead weight like a cat and forced him to let her go. “So, you’re still like this, love?”

“How are you surprised Miles?” Jae-min’s clipped, educated tones were stark against Miles’s gutter-London rumble, but the woman with the face of an ice queen smiled warmly. “Our Zee’s _always_ been like this, and always easy to find.”

“Hey!” Jae ignored Zahra’s protest and then did the thing she always did: went for the weak spot. Zeroing in on Alenko, she eyed him up and down. “So, new friend, Zee? Were you gonna keep this one all to yourself?”

Alenko’s eyebrows rose damn near halfway up his forehead, and he shot a startled glance her way. Zahra rolled her eyes and refused to believe she was so much as blushing. 

“Jae, Miles, this is Staff Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko, of the Normandy. Alenko, Miles Townsend and Jae-min Ahn.”

“I know those names.” Dark brows furrowed before realization dawned. “You’re—!”

“Yup, he’s the Hero of the Blitz.” Jae’s voice dripped with derision as she gestured at Miles before Alenko could use the phrase Jae hated most: _Butcher of Torfan_. Jae rolled her almond brown eyes, and Miles patted Jae’s back consolingly. 

“So, you’re all special forces, then.” At least Alenko didn’t look too intimidated by her friends. Likely sheer exposure to her probably dulled that N7 shine.

“Yup, we’re N7s,” Miles confirmed. “We trained together, and we were all on tap for Anderson’s XO. Our Zee here won that draw, and the rest is history.”

Zahra shifted uncomfortably. Jae’s hand closed around her arm and squeezed. “Hey, Alliance brat or no, my service record was spotty with aliens, and we all knew that wasn’t gonna fly on Anderson’s mission.”

“And my life before service, well.” Miles shrugged. His accent gave it all away, a life on the mean streets of a planet still struggling with overcrowding and limited resources. “It was always gonna be you.”

“Right, well. Um, well, I’ve paved the way. You guys deserve a shot, too.” Zahra’s cheeks were fucking burning. Literally burning, and Alenko’s barely contained grin was not helping. She coughed. “So if you’re here, did you both get new postings?”

Miles nodded, a bright grin on his face. “Yes and no. We were already here. Dragging our heels before reporting. Wanted to congratulate you in person, love. _Then_ we can go about proving that they need more of us out there.”

“You think they’d commission more human Spectres?” Alenko asked, and Zahra had a private moment of thanks that he could steer a conversation away from the personal. Jae pursed her lips but then shrugged dismissively.

“Miles is the eternal optimist, which is impressive all things considered, but I’m skeptical. I think they just need the firepower, which we are more than equipped to handle. Though,” Jae said slowly, a grin cutting across her face, “wouldn’t that just make Commander _Mom_ eat crow? Could be worth it for that alone.” 

“You’re gonna ruin all my hopes and dreams here, Jae,” Miles mock complained. “I swear, you have fun doing this to me.”

“I do, actually.” Jae tossed off an insincere smile only to refocus on Zahra. Zahra _and_ Alenko. “So, Zahra, you’re a bit thin on the details here. What ever are you up to?” Dark eyes glittering with that killer instinct, Zahra had never been afraid of Jae before. She was now.

What the fuck did she even say? “Well—” 

Her comm trilled. 

“Shepard,” Anderson’s voice crackled to life. “I need to see you right away.”

Alenko met her eyes and offered her a philosophical shrug. Not like she could say anything. Sorry, sir. Mighty busy putting mutual moves on my Lieutenant, sir. Well, once we shake my N-school buddies. Yeah, no. That wouldn’t fly, not in a million years. She pressed the comm button in her earpiece as she stood and siddled out of the booth. “Yes, sir. You got something for me?”

“Some intel, another lead, and if you hurry we can talk without you having to even look at Udina, which is more than I get to say these days.”

“Don’t worry, love,” Miles said, quietly for once. “We’ll look after your Lieutenant here.”

“Exactly, Zee. Go on, report in.” Jae made a little shooing motion. That did not fill her with confidence. 

She glanced back at Alenko one last time. Something like amusement flickered in his dark eyes, and there was a helpless, wry twist to his lips. Nothing for it, Commander, she could practically hear him say it. Like she was a kid in high school, she waved her fingers at him in the barest good-bye. He did likewise, and by the set of his shoulders was entirely at ease even though he was about to be summarily kidnapped by two N7s.

“On my way, sir,” she said, and worked the maze of Zakera Ward back to the Presidium. And if she was lucky, she’d get back before they told Alenko any really embarrassing stories.

* * *

Alenko was cooling his heels outside the embassy when she left. Miles and Jae were nowhere to be seen, which made Zahra look for them anyway. Jae did like sneaking up on her, and Miles was fast for such a big guy.

“We got a new heading, Commander?” All business, then. 

Zahra inclined her head. “Yeah, we do. We’ll do sitrep when we’re back on board.” He ducked his head in acknowledgement, but otherwise didn’t say a damned thing. Not on the walk to the elevator down to C-Sec. Not _in_ C-Sec, and then god damn him, on the interminable ride up to the docking bay.

They were on the gangway when she stopped. Joker had to have picked them up on camera, but since she lost the opportunity to stop the elevator in transit, this was as private as they were going to get for a while. Zahra rocked back on her heels. “Sorry that we didn’t end up getting that beer.”

“Me too.” The words were right, but he didn’t look terribly upset about it. “Was kind of interesting meeting your friends, though.”

Zahra narrowed her eyes at him. “What’d they tell you about me?”

His smile was slow and more than a bit smug. “Only good things, Commander. They’re your friends. Why? Did you think they were going to dish dirt on you?”

“Maybe.” She leaned against the wall and drummed her fingers on the railing. “It’s like this, Miles and Jae, they’re old friends. I don’t know what they told you, but—”

“Like I said, only good things, ma’am. They’re your friends even if one of them is a bit, ah, enthusiastic about hugging.”

She snorted. “Miles is a human labrador. Ruins the N7 brand as a whole.” 

“Yeah, picked up on that.” His shoulders worked uneasily. That made Zahra feel a little better. At least she wasn’t alone in being off-kilter, pulled out of her usual orbit. “They care about you a lot, Shepard. That was pretty obvious. Seriously, I was getting the third degree from Jae-min Ahn, which yeah, more than a little terrifying. But I like to think I handled myself well enough.”

Zahra winced. “She’s got a scary rep, but she’s like a mother bear. All scary on the outside, but good to her people.”

“Don’t worry, I got that read from her.” They stood across from each other. Those two feet of distance might as well have been light years. He sighed. “We were out to get some context, right? Well, meeting someone’s friends is a lot of context. Sure, would’ve been good to talk, you and me, but I’m not put off by your friends, Shepard. And they didn’t put me off, either.”

“Oh, well. That’s. That’s good, then.” She coughed, clearing her throat. “Come on, we shouldn’t keep everyone else waiting, Alenko.”

He ducked his head and in that honey-over-gravel voice, that voice that was all kinds of unprofessional, he said, “At your command, Shepard.”

Oh yeah, a lot like high school today. Awkward conversations, nosy friends, and all. He still owed her a beer, though. She promised herself that she would collect on it. And soon.


	23. Wounds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> X-57 was a bad time. Worse when you were a survivor of a batarian raid that killed your whole family.

White-hot biotic fission seared down her spine. Stammering, grateful engineers barely registered on her radar. 

Zahra sprinted out of the main facility.

“Shepard!” A gravelly voice called out, but she shut it away. 

The airlock cycled, too slow, too fucking slow. They could make it. Just. Normandy was coming around, the Mako could do a jump pick up in the asteroid’s nil gravity. The door wooshed open with a rush of oxygen. Her boots hit the rocky surface hard and fast, headed straight for the Mako. The blue-green vista of Terra Nova loomed above her. 

A silver streak flashed overhead. 

Not even to the Mako, and—

Joker’s voice came to life in her ear. “Commander, I just picked up a batarian ship heading for the relay.”

“Clock him, Joker. I want a heading.”

“Alright, Commander, but once he goes through the relay—”

“Follow him!”

The Mako was close. Get in, get picked up. Normandy’s engines to full, and they could catch him. There had to be a trail, something they could follow. She would hunt that fucking son of a bitch to the ends of the galaxy. She would grab his head in her hands and press her fingers into all four of his fucking eyes. She would punch him in the mouth until his teeth shattered.

There would be nothing left of Balak but a bloody pulp.

“Commander, he’s already gone.”

Blue haloed in the corners of her vision. There was a heavy, ragged breathing in her ears. That was her. Her breathing. Ten deep breaths, Zee, Her hands curled into fists. You need to control yourself better, Zahra! Teeth ground together so hard, so tight. Zee’s home! Zee’s home! Grey eyes glared at the blue and green expanse of the unaware planet above. Her throat constricted, a scream choked off.

“Skipper?” Zahra whirled. Williams held a rifle at the ready. “You alright?” 

The Chief shifted her weight from foot to foot. The asteroid had just enough gravity that they didn’t need their mag boots. Alenko trotted onto the scene, his helmet swinging between her and Williams. 

“Am I alright?” The sound of Zahra’s breathing was loud in her ears. “Am I alright? Am I alright? Or is it, am I alright?”

“Commander,” Joker’s voice broke in. “What’s the—”

She hit the kill switch for her comms. One heartbeat, another. Behind her eyes red-tinged memories bled across the barrier of her brain. Screams of a dying race overlaid the sight of Karima presses Norah’s face to her chest— 

“Shepard?” Honey over gravel. He must have gotten a back channel up, gotten around her kill command. The brush of another biotic field against hers was barely there, a whisper, a hush. She caught his hand before it could reach her shoulder, but his fingers curled over hers. The static build up arced down her arm and slammed into him. He winced, and blue mass effect trails crawled down his armor. Down her armor. 

“Don’t,” she bit out through clenched teeth. “Don’t you do that to me again.”

“What? Ground you out? You know how much build up you were producing? Or did you even notice?”

“Hey, anyone want to fill in the foot soldier? The one who doesn’t have space magic?” Williams kept her distance, but her dry voice dulled the knife’s edge that Zahra balanced on. Alenko backed up, hands held out.

Zahra’s lips twisted in a bitter grimace, but she didn’t care to explain. There would be no catching Balak now. Never had been. Her hands were fists again. 

Alenko sighed and said, “The commander was building up a pretty big mass effect field. If it didn’t get grounded out, she could have surged, which is not good. A big surge can overload amp and implant, possibly even fry your brain.”

“Oh, well, then thank you LT, for keeping our Commander from doing something stupid.”

“Williams,” Zahra growled.

“Sorry, Commander, but I’m not sorry. I get it, you were pissed off about the batarians. Anyone would—”

“You get it? Really? Think so?” Zahra cocked her head, lips peeled back in a snarl. “You don’t know shit Williams. Let me tell you what you don’t understand, what no one fucking understands. I lost my sisters on Mindoir.” Williams flinched, the jerk of her head a dead giveaway. Alenko’s sharp inhale was loud on the comms. “Yeah, that’s right. Funny thing, I thought I’d dealt with it, but no. No, these Prothean fucking Beacons and Ciphers and mind-melds and general mind-fucks have brought it all back up. I can’t stop seeing that day. I saw my sisters gunned down like they were nothing. Nothing at all. And why? Why? Because they were expendable and the slavers had run out of time. If they couldn’t take them, they’d kill them.”

It was hard to breathe. There wasn’t enough oxygen in her suit. Spots danced in front of her eyes, and her voice sounded weird. Like she could hear herself shouting. Was she shouting? 

“So to say I’m pissed off is a bit of a fucking understatement. They. Killed. My. Sisters. My baby sisters. You let that sink in Williams. What would you do if you saw your sisters gunned down right in front of you? If they saw you? Their big sister coming for them, but you weren’t good enough? I’d tell you what you’d do. You’d pick up a rifle and learn how to use it so no kid gets hurt again. But that’s not how it works, does it? You learn that, too. And then one day you have to make a choice. A fucking choice, and it will burn in the back of your head, if you couldn’t kill the batarians today, could you ever have saved them? And it all goes around, and its red and bloody and I can’t stop seeing—”

A scream tore its way out of Zahra’s chest. A scream as raw and open as a gunshot wound to the shoulder. The puckered, spider-scar that she had as a reminder of that day. The day she hadn’t been good enough. The scent of ozone filled her helmet, and she reared up. Nothing to hit, nothing to tear apart, she slammed her hand into the ground. A blue shockwave rippled out, cracking, fissuring the ground. 

On her knees, Zahra pressed her closed fists to the ground. The ragged arhythm of her heart ached in her chest. 

Too much. Shit. It was too much. Only the psychologists that had been foisted on her and Anderson knew all of what she’d lost. “Fuck.” Her voice broke on the word. Some fucking Spectre, some N7, some soldier she was.

One leg up, she braced on her knee, but she couldn’t stand. 

“I don’t know what I’d do, Shepard.” Williams’s voice was whisper quiet over the comms. Zahra raised her head. “You’re right about that. That, that’s something I can’t even imagine.”

“I hated them so much.” Her voice was a rasp, an ugly thing. Deep breath in, she pushed herself back up. She found the glimmer of the relay in the field of stars. That metallic shine that was just a bit off to be a natural body in the black sky. “Still do, it turns out.”

“But you didn’t sacrifice anyone for it, Shepard. No matter what you think, that’s a good thing.” Alenko, always trying. She eyed him across the empty space between them. A sour-bitter taste filled her mouth, like shit coffee.

“Past the cover of my book now, Alenko,” she spat.

His sigh was clear over the comms. “Wasn’t even thinking of that, Shepard.”

She winced. Williams coughed, and Zahra put the both of them out of her mind. She should get back to the Normandy. Get off this damned rock. Put it all behind her, again. Find a way to quiet restless ghosts. Maybe go a few rounds with Wrex. Get her head knocked around. Couldn’t hurt. The dirt scraped under her boots, and she waved at the main facility. “We got work to do. Noveria isn’t going to wait forever. And Joker’s probably wondering what happened to us.”

A flick of her eyes, and the HUD came back up. The connection to the Normandy went from zero to live, and Joker’s voice was strained, “—ond. Commander, if you can hear this, please respond!”

“We’re here Joker. Sorry about that.” Kept her back straight, shoulders even. She was a soldier, damn it. “Needed to swear for a while, and didn’t care to have it on the record.”

“Ah, understandable, ma’am.” Joker’s tone was dry, but a nervous chuckle followed it. Scared her pilot, too, for good measure. Great job today, Zee. Absolutely fucking fantastic, she chided herself on the walk back to the Mako.

Williams closed the catch behind them with a heavy metallic squeal, and oxygen hissed as Zahra removed her helmet. The board was green. Rendezvous coordinates entered, Zahra kept her gaze fixed forward. It was better that way. Get her fucking composure back. Get—

A light went from green to yellow. The comms had been muted, and Zahra frowned. That was weird. “Tell her,” Williams muttered behind her. Zahra resisted the temptation to bang her head against the drive controls.

“We, Ash and I, we aren’t going to say anything, Commander.” Alenko spoke in low tones, even with the comms on mute. “If you were worried about that.”

Eyes fixed ahead. The Mako creaked up a steep slope. Better to look at that than two people who had gotten under her skin. Who had come to know her far, far too well. But was that a bad thing? Had been, for a long time. No one who knew her well stuck around. Just Anderson and Miles and Jae, but they didn’t see her every day, work with her every day. Alenko and Williams did. Quietly, she said, “I wasn’t. Didn’t even cross my mind.” 

“Thank you, ma’am. That’s a lot of trust you have in us,” Williams said softly, and Zahra glanced over her shoulder with a raised eyebrow. The chief met her gaze and didn’t back down. “Not easy to have a wound like that seen.”  
  
Zahra snorted and shook her head. “Old wound, Williams.”

“Doesn’t mean it can’t still act up on you, Shepard,” Alenko said. If acting up meant she damn near lost her shit. Did lose her shit. She made the mistake of catching his gaze. Those warm dark eyes that pulled. “Or that you have to go through it alone.”

“Not.” She grimaced and forced the words out. “Not used to that, Alenko.” 

Setting the Mako in park, Zahra looked out on X57 with Terra Nova hanging above them. Peaceful, serene. Fragile, but intact. She’d done that. Her fingers drummed on the controls. 

“It’s okay—it’s good that you’re here. Both of you. You’re fine soldiers, and—” She exhaled slowly, evenly. Her hands didn’t want to curl into fists anymore. Blood didn’t pound, press, drive in her ears. The stabbing, sucking wound in her chest dulled into a familiar ache. “And you’re better friends.”

The Normandy would be here soon. Pick up, head back out. File the report, send out feelers for Balak. Her jaw clenched, and she forced herself to exhale slowly. The one you feed, Zee. Dad, always with the calm advice. Counterpoint to Mom’s strict expectations. But her sisters. Mindoir had looked so peaceful from orbit when she’d left in the shuttle to never come back. No hint of the blood that had soaked the ground. 

Karima’s smile is bright as she reads from the Torah, Norah’s eyes dance as she talks a mile a minute—the shear of the Normandy’s engines roared overhead, and Zahra blinked out of the memory. ****

Her limbs were heavy, even shifting the Mako into drive seemed like an effort. God she could use some sleep. It was quiet in the cabin of the car. But not that oppressive quiet of expectations, of someone waiting on something. Just quiet. And for a little while, the memories were quiet, too.

Maybe she had a couple of good soldiers, good friends, to thank for that.


	24. Enemy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Liara has lost her mother in the worst way possible. Zahra knows a thing or two about that.

The tram jerked as it drove away from Rift Station, the tracks nearly choked with snow. Zahra put a hand on Liara’s shoulder. The girl curled away and kept her gaze fixed on the blizzard outside. But she doubted it was the snow Liara saw. No, Zahra knew what those blue eyes couldn’t forget— _ The Matriarch’s body crumples to the ground bonelessly and slides down the glass. “Little Wing…” Her dying words lamenting the lack of light, and no time to mourn as the Rachnii Queen asserts herself. _

“I am fine, Shepard.” The tone was cool, too controlled for a kid who was, for all intents and purposes, eighteen. It was like looking through time, almost. Her mother’s body lowered into the ground beside her father, with her little sisters after them. Had she even cried that day? No, her cheeks had been dry because no amount of crying would bring them back. Sixteen and stubborn and angry down to her bones. Zahra had burned with it.

Liara had frozen over.

Zahra wasn’t a hugger, never had been. Only with her little sisters had she ever—she threw an arm around the young girl and tucked her head under her chin. Liara tensed at the contact, but Zahra squeezed.

“No you’re not, and it’s alright to not be okay, kid.” She was small, like her sisters had been small, built on their mother’s scale, not their father’s. Would she have done this for her sisters if they’d lived through that day? If she’d had someone to still protect. “It’s okay to not be okay.”

Words of advice she’d never much followed until recently, and Liara needed to hear them.

“She was. She was the  _ enemy _ .” Tears choked Liara’s voice. “Everyone will remember her that way. Even the crew.”

“Not because she wanted to be.” Zahra grabbed Liara’s shoulders and looked her dead in the eye. “They’re gonna paint her as a villain, and there’s nothing you can do about that. But you can remember who she really was. No matter what anyone says, your mother  _ fought _ . You hear me? So you’re gonna fight, too, kid. Fight because she left something unfinished. And you can fucking finish it for her.”

A fire lit under the ice of Liara’s eyes.

Armored fingers clamped on Zahra’s arms, the girl’s biotic field flaring, flooding over Zahra’s like a river pushed past its banks. “Yes, yes you are right, Shepard. I will fight. You have given me that, the knowledge of how to fight. And I will make Saren regret everything he did to her.  _ Everything _ .”

_ The only cure for a bad job is to do better _ .

Zahra’s grim smile echoed on Liara’s face. “Damn right you will, kid.”

Next time, Zahra promised herself, she’d do better. She wouldn’t let Saren get away with another fucking thing. Not on her watch. He was done hurting her crew.


	25. Unburden

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cerberus was only an annoying afterthought while chasing down Saren. Until they killed an Alliance admiral. In pursuit, Kaidan goes a little too far and gets hurt. Zahra's version of hurt/comfort with bonus overly-helpful Ashley.

“This is it, Commander.” There was an edge to Alenko’s voice. Even over the comms he sounded eager. His biotics simmered on the edge of boiling, his control stretched wire-tight.

“Yeah, time to make those Cerberus bastards pay for what they did to the Admiral.” Williams loaded shredder rounds into her rifle with a satisfying metallic  _ chunk. _

The message had only just come through, bounced and delayed and scrambled. Too late to help Kahoku. But not too late to track down these Cerberus assholes and take them out, branch and root.

Zahra curled her hand into a fist, static coming to life, an inferno she just needed a target to unleash it on. Slamming the butt of her pistol on the door access, she flung herself through the opening and wasted no time clawing forward with her hand. A blue corona shimmered over the nearest Cerberus commando, and he went to his knees in agony. 

Williams fired in controlled bursts, the sharp retort of gunfire filling the bunker, but it was Alenko who surged forward and lifted three commandos and several small crates. They all flew up together at speed, metal and composite armor slamming into the ceiling. 

More Cerberus poured out of the back of the facility. Zahra wove through the crates, bullets pinging off her shield. To her right, a commando froze mid-step and the one in front of her was thrown backwards. Alenko’s intervention bought her enough time to pull up her barrier, the halo of blue flaring to life around her with a lighting crack. 

She surged forward again, firing into the nearest Cerberus mercenary, his chestplate caving inward. Then her world exploded in a white, blinding light, and her ears rang. 

“Rockets!” Williams shouted, but her voice was distant, remote. Zahra staggered and shook her head, trying to clear it. The world tilted and shifted, the dim lights of the base turning the world into red and black shadows. There was blood in her mouth.

“Commander!” Alenko pulled even with her and tapped out a command on his omni-tool. Behind a makeshift barricade, sparks flew up from armor and weapons, but she couldn’t hear the electric fizzle over the ringing in her ears. Bullets rebounded off his barrier, but every strike picked away at his defenses.

“Cover us, Williams!” she shouted. Fucking concusive blasts messing with her hearing. 

“Switching, Commander!” Williams called back. Zahra grabbed Alenko’s shoulder and hauled him behind a crate. One second, two, then the heavy roar of a shotgun went off. Zahra grinned. Williams did like her guns.

Zahra held up two fingers, and Alenko followed her gestures. There was a way around to flank the ones that had holed up. He nodded and raised up to a crouch. Williams fired another cover shot, and side by side, Zahra and Alenko ran through the cramped maze of crates and turned the corner. There were seven of them. Pinned by Williams’s shotgun fire.

Zahra sighted down her pistol and fired. The first one dropped, dead. Blood pooled beneath his helmet. One of the crates shook, a flare of blue coming from underneath it. Alenko held his fist up high. The crate rattled as it rose in the air, suspended by a mass effect field Zahra wasn’t sure she could generate. Not that far away from herself.

He cut his arm down across his body, and the crate slammed into all six. Their armor didn’t break, but there was no way they could stand up to more of that. Zahra raised her pistol, and Alenko raised his fist again.

His arm shook, the metal walls of the crate squealed.

The remaining Cerberus mercenaries turned as one man, drawing a bead on her Lieutenant, who had just made himself the most dangerous thing in the room.

His arm cut down. The mass effect field cracked, ozone filled the bunker, and the crate slammed to the ground with a crash. It caught two of the bastards, crushing one’s chest, another’s legs, but the other four were mobile. Alenko staggered, head hanging like the strings holding him up had been cut.

The other four pulled their triggers. Alenko fell to his knees.

“Kaidan!” Zahra cried as she rushed to cover him. The impact forced the breath from her lungs, but she was still standing. Zahra thrust one hand out viciously, throwing a third merc hard against the far wall with all the force she could muster. His head lolled bonelessly. Rapid gunfire barked from the other side, and Williams unloaded with her assault rifle. Zahra advanced, pinning the bastards between them.

Bodies jerked and writhed under the advance, and Zahra didn’t feel a shred of pity. 

“Got ’em, Commander.” Williams’s voice was hard and flat. Zahra opened her mouth to acknowledge, but a low, pained groan came over the comms. “LT get hit?!”

Her heart leapt into her throat and her stomach sank to her knees. Fuck, fuck, fuck. She whirled and found Alenko slumped to the floor, his hands fumbling at the catches of his helmet. His breathing was strained in her ears. Scrambling to him, she sank to her knees and brushed his hands away and undid his helmet herself.

Eyes screwed up tight, he gulped in the ozone and blood scented air. She grimaced at the thought that  _ this _ air was the freshest he could get.

“Not hit.” Zahra checked him over quickly, though she knew the answer. The bullet meant for him was lodged in her chestplate. 

“Was that crate you, or?” Williams peered over Zahra’s shoulder. The sight of Alenko was answer enough. The chief eyed the destruction with an appreciative eye. “Damn.”

“Help me get him up,” she said quietly. Had read up on migraines, how they were different from headaches.  _ Bad _ didn’t begin to cover it. The worst parts of a hangover but dialed up to eleven. Bright lights were bad, loud noises were bad, too much movement was bad. She got his arm over her shoulders, but he pulled away. “Come on, Alenko, we need to get you back to the Normandy.”

“ _ Data _ . Here. Somewhere.  _ Important _ .” Words forced out of a raw throat, his eyes were still shut tight and he gave the barest shake of his head. That movement alone made him shudder.

“Don’t be stubborn, Alenko.”

“Yeah, LT.” Williams knelt across from him, concern all over her face. “You pushed yourself. Like a muscle strain, right? Guys are walked off the field for that. Same thing.”

Zahra wished  _ she’d _ thought of that. He breathed out slowly, and when she got under his arm again he didn’t pull away. “I’ll get Tali and Garrus in here. Get every last bit of data, promise.”

She stood up slowly. The muscles of his jaw jumped, like he was forcing something down. Right, nausea, one of the symptoms. Really  _ bad _ nausea. Shit, she wasn’t a nurse, and he hadn’t gone down like this since that mission with the biotic terrorists. “You’re alright, soldier. We’ll get you back.”

Driving by only the dashboard lights of the Mako, Zahra for once winced at every unavoidable bump all the way back to their rendezvous. 

* * *

“You put him  _ where _ ?” Zahra crossed her arms over her chest. Williams held up her hands defensively.

“He was really bad, Skipper. I mean, he hides his migraines from you, but I’ve seen a few now. This one is by far the worst. Being in medical wasn’t going to really do him any favors anyway. The crew are in and out of there all the time. Your quarters are the best spot on the ship for him to ride this out.”

An hour. She’d been gone an hour with Tali and Garrus, getting only minimal data off the Cerberus server before it had wiped itself. An hour was all the time it took for her Chief to put her Lieutenant  _ in her quarters _ and make a messy situation that much messier. And she didn’t like the sound of him hiding his migraines from her either.

Of all the stupid bullshit to do, but then not like she was forthcoming either. She breathed out sharply. One mess at a time, Zee, she told herself.

“Fine. Don’t know how you convinced him of that.”

“He was pretty out of it. Threw up a couple of times. He’s got some water and a cold cloth in there. Really, that and some pain killers is all we can do.”

Face twisted in a grimace, Zahra sighed. “Thanks, Ashley, for taking care of him.”

Williams shrugged. “I have three little sisters. Nothing I haven’t seen before.”

“Yeah, still. Not everyone is good at looking after people.”

“Are you saying you’re not good at it, ma’am?” Williams regarded her with the barest touch of amusement, but her eyes were sympathetic. “Don’t need to do much now. Maybe keep the cloth cool, get him some water, really. If you want to, that is.”

Zahra glanced at the door to her quarters. It had been a good call, she supposed. Hell, she’d done similar things herself, finding out of the way corners to hurt in private. Not many options for that on this ship. Her shoulders relaxed a fraction. “Weird day, Ash, but glad you’re here.”

“No place I’d rather be, Skipper.” With a lazy salute, Williams backed away with a parting, “Good luck.” 

Resisting the urge to roll her eyes, she opened the door to her quarters. Alenko lay sprawled on the bed, boots and all, with a cloth over his eyes. One arm was flung over his head, and he sighed at the sound of boots. “Ash, I’m fine, really. Don’t need to keep checking up on me.”

“Williams told me this is where she stashed you,” Zahra said. His whole body went tense, and slowly, because he sure as hell couldn’t sit up quickly without throwing up, he tried to shift out of the bed. “Belay that, soldier,” she ordered, and he froze. “Just coming in to check on you, see if you need more water.”

She stood at the foot of the bed. He couldn’t see her, but he didn’t need to. Her field probably gave her away, now that he knew she was here. His lips twisted, she could all but see him reviewing what to say before discarding each option. Finally, he managed, “I’m alright, ma’am. Don’t want to be a burden.”

“Thought I told you that you weren’t.”

“Hard not to feel like it sometimes.” The bitter edge to his voice wasn’t hard to miss, even for her. But before she could respond, he breathed out slowly, locking himself down again. “Apologies, ma’am. Little off right now.”

Would it be wrong to smack him upside the head right now? Probably, but she wanted to all the same.

“Kaidan,” she sighed. “You just bent your brain into a shape it wasn’t used to. I saw that lift, and I’m not sure I could manage that. And you did it  _ twice _ . Liara could handle that weight, but not half so quick. You want to wallow in self-pity, fine, be my guest, but I’m not going to feel sorry for you for wanting to kill those Cerberus bastards after all they’ve done.”

Glaring down at him, even though he still had a cloth over his eyes, she waited. One breath, then another, and another. “You know,” he said slowly, quietly, his voice a burr in her ears. “You are a really bad nurse.”

“Yeah, yeah, heard  _ that _ before.”

“Do I want to know?”

“I’ll tell you the story when you’re not knocked for six. You still owe me a beer anyway.”

“I suppose I do.” His breathing evened out. Not those controlled, too even breaths he took when he was wound tight, but the unaffected relaxed cadence when he was working on tech or rustling up dinner for everyone. If their MREs could be called dinners. 

Zahra tapped her knuckle on his boot and turned to go, but his lips moved soundlessly like there was a question he couldn’t bring himself to ask. Or something he was working up to saying.

“Zahra.” Honey-over-gravel on her name, the sound bypassed her ears, her brain, and oh  _ shit _ . “Sorry, don’t know if that’s allowed, but you—anyway. Thanks. Little embarrassing you had to remind me of all that, but thanks.”

Like something was lodged behind her breastbone, her breathing quickened, and she was deeply grateful he couldn’t see her. 

“Yeah, no problem,” she said awkwardly. She licked her lips, mouth dry. The fuck was wrong with her? Just. No one had ever said her name like  _ that _ before. Even laid out, the man could trip her up. “We got the data, by the way. Much as we could. We can go over it later, but I think after we deal with Saren, I’m gonna go all Spectre on Cerberus.”

Gingerly, he tugged the cloth away and regarded her with dark eyes that pulled at her. “You better not leave me behind on that one, Commander.”

A grin curved her lips. In the dimness of her cabin, he was at least well enough to smile back, however weakly. “Wouldn’t dream of it, Lieutenant.”


	26. Forewarned

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zahra thought she was only seeing her past when she saw Toombs. She didn't know she was looking at something like her future, but then the warning signs aren't always obvious.

“Brought you some clothes. Just gonna leave these here, then I’ll let you change.” Zahra set down the folded spare uniform on the table in her quarters and backed away. Toombs tracked her progress like a wary animal. With a quick stride, he scooped up the clothes, but before she could leave, he spoke.

“Just turn around. Hard to be alone with my thoughts. Don’t like it, don’t like what I think.” His throat was scraped raw. How many years had those Cerberus bastards made him scream? All of them, she’d bet. Her mouth twisted into a grim line at the thought.

Neither of them talked while he changed. He stood, shifting his shoulders, as if the shirt didn’t fit quite right. That was because it didn’t. The armor had made him look the exact same as when she’d last seen him; climbing into the Mako to fire some rockets at that fucking maw. But he was thinner than she remembered, and out of his armor the damage was plain. His head was shaved and multiple scars crossed his scalp, precise and surgical.

“You can sleep here, if you want. Or I can take you on a tour of the ship. I promise, no visits to the med bay unless you want to.”

“No doctors,” he said flatly. He fidgeted, picking at his clothes, as if his hands were unable to be still. His gaze tracked to the bed. Only bed on the ship. She might have wanted to punch Toombs in the face most of the time, but she wasn’t going to stuff him in a sleeper pod. Not after the shit he’d been through. “Don’t want to go on a pity parade either, Shepard.”

“Then get some rest.”

“No one but you can get in here?”

“I can key it for that.” 

Toombs’s gaze tracked out into the middle distance, and his jaw went slack. In the dim lighting of her quarters, a shadow darker than anything she’d known rose in his face. When was the last time he’d been able to sleep without fear? Could he even do that?

“Try to get some rest, Toombs,” she whispered. He shook himself and glared at her.

“Don’t need you telling me what to do, Shepard,” he bit out. Like a beaten dog. She held her hands up and waved it away. No sense in getting worked up about old shit now. His eyes squeezed shut and he breathed out slowly. “Sorry, sorry. You saved me. But you didn’t, you know? It’s. This is. This is fucked up.”

A shiver ran down his too-thin, scarred body.

“Yeah,” she breathed. “Yeah, it is.”

* * *

Zahra walked Toombs up to the CIC and through to the airlock. A Fifth Fleet cruiser arrived in the system for the rendezvous. Wayne had already been transferred under guard, but she wanted to make sure Toombs got proper treatment once he was out from under her watch.

“So this is it, isn’t it, Shepard?” He lingered in the docking tube, his fingers tapping out an erratic tattoo on his leg. The door wooshed open at the other end of the airlock, and he flinched at the noise and hiss of mingling atmosphere. Two yeoman and someone who was likely the ship’s doctor headed toward them. She edged into his personal space, but didn’t get close enough to touch him.

“For now, but when you get back on your feet you can drop me a line if you feel up to it.”

He started to bounce on his toes, and he shook his head at the offer. “We both know I won’t. And you don’t want to hear from me. Never liked me.”

She snorted. “Feeling was mutual, if you remember.”

“Yeah.” A ghost of a smirk cut across his face. “I do.” The doctor approached cautiously, and Toombs’s head swung between her and the doctor, finally settling back on her. “Get them for me, Shepard, for all of us.”

“I will,” she promised viciously. “One way or another, I will.”

The cruiser’s doctor edged forward then, his hand hovering close to but not touching Toombs. “Sir, I’m Doctor Suthapon, but you can call me Chai, everyone does. Let’s get you settled, yes?” 

“Yeah. Yeah alright.” Toombs twisted away from the hand, but didn’t tense like he was going to deck the small doctor. Zahra watched Toombs’s retreating back, but he didn’t turn around, didn’t glance behind him. That was Toombs through and through. He reached the cruiser’s airlock, and she hit the Normandy’s airlock control with her fist. 

The door closed with a hiss.

If only she could take care of other things so easily.


	27. Kaddish

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A choice made, a good soldier left behind. Virmire was more than anyone bargained for.

The datapad was blank.

Zahra gripped it tight in her hands. Steady. She was steady. What had she said? Had lost people before. Vowed to do better.  _ Only cure for a bad job is to do better _ .

The datapad was blank.

It was an accusatory blankness. Never had to do this before. Her squad on Akuze, she’d been a sergeant. No one had expected her to write a damn thing. Anderson had written the letter for Jenkins.

The datapad was blank.

Her jaw ached. How long had she stared at the screen? The little cursor blinked at her, bright orange in her darkened quarters. A taunt. Can’t even do this for her, can you, Shepard? Can’t even fucking—

The datapad snapped in half with a spray of electric sparks. Static sparked over her skin, and her fist struck the wall with all the force of a mass effect field behind it. The metal bulkhead groaned under the force. She blinked. Then the shock ran up her arm. Hissing, she cradled her hand with a muttered, “ _ Shit _ .”

“What the hell?” Kaidan stood in the doorway. Hadn’t even heard it open. He crossed the distance between them in two quick strides, and cautiously reached for her arm. With ill grace, she let him turn her arm over. Hot spikes of pain lanced up her arm, making her hiss. Couldn’t read his face, that control locked down tight. Too even breathing. His voice was another story, worry laced through measured tones. “You know, the wall always wins, right?”

“Thought that.” She broke off, wincing, as he gently pressed from wrist to elbow. “I might just win that round. Beat the datapad.” 

He hummed at the sight of the broken datapad. His hands fell away from her arm, and he said, “Think it’s just a sprain. Your field seems to have protected you pretty well. Some medigel and a bit of reinforcement in your armor, and you’ll be alright.”

“No,” she bit out. “No, I don’t think I will.”

“Zahra.” His voice was soft on her name, and she shut her eyes tight. If this was going to be some sympathy speech, she didn’t want to hear it. He had lost a friend.

She had killed a friend.

“Has anyone asked you how you’re handling this?”

“No one should ask that of their CO.”

“I’m not asking my CO.”

Her eyes snapped open. Grey eyes fixed on warm brown in the dim light of her cabin. 

“Kaidan,” she warned, voice low. His jaw was set, but god  _ damn _ his eyes. God damn how well he knew her now. Barely any time at all, and he had a read on her better than anyone else she’d ever known. Anyone except—

Her throat constricted. Shoulders, broad shoulders. Built like her dad. Mom’s face, but Dad’s build. Those shoulders sagged, and she cradled her hurt arm to her like a wounded animal. “I can’t do this, Kaidan. Fuck, I thought I could do this, but how can I tell a mother that her daughter’s not coming home? I have to tell three young women their big sister is  _ gone _ . They were so close, and now? Now there’s a hole in their lives, and it’s never going to get filled in. Not  _ ever _ . Trust me.” A dark, hollow laugh escaped her. “Trust me on that one.”

He knelt and picked up the pieces of the datapad. Completely ruined. Yeah, that was her all over. Never could fix anything, only ever tear things apart. Good in a soldier. Bad for anything else. From underneath dark brows, he regarded her thoughtfully.

“I think if anyone can speak to how much Ash meant to all of us, it would be you.”

“I can do cameras and crazy people with guns. Not.” She waved at the broken pad with her good hand. “Not  _ this _ . And it wouldn’t ever be enough. Wouldn’t get it right how she was good with Liara, getting her up to snuff. Or Tali, helping her deal with overeager boys, or ha! That time she kissed Garrus on the cheek, flange, whatever, just to prove a point. Or when she almost held her own drinking with Wrex. Or when, when.” A shuddering breath left her as she choked down tears. The taste of salt ran down the back of her mouth.

“So don’t.” The burr of his voice was a whisper that filled her ears. “Don’t try to do all that yourself. Let everyone remember her. We’ve got time till we hit the Citadel.”

Zahra ran her good hand over her face. “What? Have everyone write something?”

“Or record something,” he suggested.

The broken datapad’s screen was flat and dull. Never to light up again. She’d broken it. Had broken much more than that. It could never be put together again.

“Yeah, alright. Put the word out. No limits, everyone can say something if they feel like it.”

“Right away, ma’am.” He ducked his head and was halfway to the door before he regarded her one last time. “And ma’am, would take it as a personal favor if you’d go to Chakwas.”

Zahra squeezed her wrist and winced. “Deal.”

He left, and left Zahra alone in the darkness of her cabin. Maybe she could get herself together in time to say something, too.

Couldn’t think in here, though. Problem was the whole ship had a pall over it. No corner she could turn around without hearing hushed whispers, seeing jaws clenched tight against anger and grief, or the  _ absence _ of the woman who had more than earned her place on the ship.

Word spread quickly.

Chakwas put her arm in a sling, and Liara’s voice was audible through the lab door. Sniffles and all. The cargo bay was dark, but the locker at the far end had already sprouted talismans and notes. Garrus’s dry voice petered out awkwardly as he spoke into a vid recorder. Wrex wordlessly handed over an OSD with his recording, and even Kirrahe’s team had gotten in on the act.

In engineering, Tali’s visor was clouded over with condensation. She claimed she needed to dehumidify her suit. Good hand on the young woman’s shoulder, Zahra squeezed for however it might help.

From bow to stern, port to starboard. Pressley and Adams and Joker, all of them said a little something into a recorder. There was no turning around save to find someone taking five minutes to talk about Ashley Williams.

The whole ship. The whole damned ship.

A self-proclaimed ground pounder. A woman who had run head first into the place that hadn’t wanted her. A soldier who had given her all. 

Zahra returned to her desk and turned on her computer. The screen was blank. 

Finger poised over the record key, Zahra took a second. Just one and hit the key. The bright light hit her face, and she pushed away all that media training she’d done. This wasn’t a talking point. This was her friend, her friend who had lived big and loud and with her heart first. Ashley Williams deserved at least that much of her in return.

“Mrs. Williams, Abby, Lynn, Sarah, I’m—” Throat tight, she let out a breath, letting the recording capture her lapse. Let them see it. Let them see that they didn’t mourn alone. That in their own ways, they all said the same prayer together. “My name is Zahra Shepard, and I am so sorry for your loss…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kaddish is the mourner’s prayer in Judaism. In the Sephardic tradition, the congregation traditionally says it together.


	28. This

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> On the way to Ilos...

His eyes were dark in the dimness of her cabin. Voice a honey over gravel burr. “But this—”

_ This _ . This, the gravity well, the inexorable pull into orbit. Two bodies circling, circling, until there was no fighting the spin, the arc, the curve. She fell, she stepped into his space, past the envelope of his field. The distance was nothing now, the distance was everything. 

Near to this had happened before. An almost, a failure to capture. A flyby like the slingshot around the moon, to see the darkside, but never to touch, never to land. 

She pressed her lips to his, hard, hungry, no way to break out or fall back. Her fingers dug into his hair, static skittering across her knuckles. Arms wrapped around her middle, hands pressed against her back and pressed her into him.  _ Contact. _

A growl rumbled in her chest at everything that was between them. Hands that could field strip a gun in seconds fumbled on straps and catches and tugged at shirts. The chuckle made his belly move against hers in a way that sent a tingle down her body. And then, then they fell backwards together, another pull of gravity, pulling them down together on rumpled sheets. 

Her breath came in rapid puffs. His field sparked off her own. An electric shiver that followed the trail his fingers made across her skin. Across her scars, across her. In those dark eyes was a swirl of blue and the shine of something she couldn’t identify.

But that didn’t matter as she reached for him, as she pressed lips to jaw, to throat, to chest, and to every part of him she had to taste, had to know. Fed on feedback, she couldn’t stop. Live wires touched and held in place by the force of the current. 

Ozone and sweat filled her cabin as he lay half on top of her. 

Zahra lazily traced the line of his nose, and grinned as it made Kaidan’s eyes flutter shut. Those space-dark eyes that had stars of blue in them. For her. 

Whatever happened after, at least she had  _ this _ .

Had him.

And maybe, he might just have her too.


	29. Run

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was desperate, it was insane, it probably wasn't going to work. Zahra Shepard ran ahead anyway, from Ilos to the Citadel, she never was going to stop. Not for one second.

The decking of the Normandy shuddered under her feet. Alarms blared, setting the pace for her heart. 

“Shepard, please!” Liara exhorted in the middle of the chaos. The magnetic snick of her holstered guns was a delightful sound in her ears. Zahra steadied herself on the Mako’s hull. “Please! I need to be down there!”

“I am not risking either our Prothean or geth expert,” Zahra shouted over the cacophony. Crewmen braced at their stations, calling out statuses.

“That is exactly why you should bring us. We’re experts!” Tali argued, every line of the young quarian all but vibrating to be in the thick of it. 

“We don’t have time for this,” Zahra bit out. “Garrus!” He swung his head to her, bright blue eyes fixed on her. “Pressley has command, but if shit goes sideways, and it will, you give Joker these codes and do what you think you need to.” She tapped out a series of commands on her omnitool before grabbing his armor and pulling his face close to hers. “And you keep them safe, you hear me, Vakarian?”

He ducked his head, flanges flaring eagerly. Say this for turians, give them a job and they’d do it. “Loud and clear, Shepard.”

“Good, now give me some cover!” she ordered as she swung herself up to the Mako’s hatch. The Normandy shuddered again, screaming through Ilos’s atmosphere. Klaxons went off, and Zahra closed the hatch.

Time to earn her god damned keep. Even if she’d had to turn pirate to do it.

* * *

Four heavy geth armatures waited below. The small relay spun in the distance. Open, but not for much longer. A grin cut across Zahra’s face. “Buckle up, boys.” 

“Why am I not surprised?” Alenko muttered behind her. Probably by habit at this point.

Wrex’s chuckle was a basso rumble in the back of her skull.

She hit the play button.

The ear-splitting cry of Robert Plant, Dad’s favorite, erupted from the speakers. Rapid vocals over faster guitar licks all to a driving drumbeat, Zahra opened the throttle. Then she fired Tali’s retro boosters. The Mako screamed down the slope like a ship knifing through water, and she didn’t even try to dodge. A corsucating energy missile smashed into their shields. Alenko cursed in a strained tone. Wrex laughed, rockets answering back.

Safety straps strained as they went over the rise. Straight through, no stopping, no turning, just head fucking on. Right on Saren’s tail. Right to the Citadel. After all the weird shit, the mind-fucks, the Beacons and Ciphers and Conduits, she was going to rip the son of a bitch apart. Atom by atom if she had to.

Him and that the Reaper ship that had brainwashed him.

“Vanguard of our destruction,” she growled. The Mako shuddered as they hit the relay. “Not today, you bastard.”

The universe blurred and the next thing she knew the Mako was sideways and on fire. 

So was the rest of the Citadel.

* * *

Bullets whizzed past her head and drained her shield, cut through her barrier, clipped her armor. She took cover behind, well, she didn’t know what. Handy bit of metal, that was enough. Alenko crouched next to her, his breathing ragged over the comms.

How long had they been fighting through geth? Drop ships and heavy turrets and primes and so many rockets. The back of her mouth tasted like propellant.

“Status?” she asked.

“Medi-gel is damn near out, and we’re down to our last grenades.”

Wrex roared and charged, slamming full body into a geth, sending it flying off the tower. Zahra chuckled without mirth. “That answers my other question.”

“Come on, Shepard! Thought you could keep up with me!”

“Wrex, you sweet talker,” she shot back. Catching Alenko’s eyes, she jerked her head up. He nodded, stood and lifted a clump of geth with a controlled gesture. Zahra swung herself over the cover and curled her hand into a claw, warping the heavy geth behind the normal troops. Then she unloaded with her shotgun. 

For half a second, she could breathe, could take stock, but only for half a second. Overhead, the vast and eerie form of Sovereign clung to the Citadel Tower like a hideous tick. How long did they have before the Citadel was a gateway for the Reapers once more? 

Had to keep moving. Couldn’t stop.

“Don’t hold back,” she ordered as she ran. No way in hell she’d let this mission fail with a single clip left unspent, a single grenade left over, or medi-gel unused. The galaxy was on the line, and like fucking hell she’d let it go quietly.

* * *

Overhead, the arms of the Citadel opened, and the galaxy gave her another choice to make. Some part of her thought Hackett should be making this call. But it was too late, she’d given the order, and the Fifth Fleet waded into the fray. 

She hoped the Destiny Ascension was worth the cost.

From here, it was out of her hands. She’d done her job. Later, later she could come down, shake it all out, until she was a pile of nothing on a floor somewhere. But she had to stay standing for just a little bit longer. Just had to see a few things through to the end.

Zahra watched as Wrex unloaded his shotgun into Saren’s skull. For a half second, she pitied the bastard. Used as much as Benezia had been. Worse. Twisted up with so many cybernetics, she wasn’t sure if he was even a turian anymore. 

Old movie there,  _ more machine than man _ . Something Dad had liked.

But he’d killed Ashley. He’d taken Liara’s mother from her. Had worked with Cerberus, however distant. Her good hand curled into a fist. The ache in her sprained wrist edged into her awareness, adrenaline wearing off.

Then the world tilted again, and glass shattered under her feet. 

* * *

Metal screamed around her. The twisted, fucked up form of Saren burned away to nothing. 

She leapt over a pile of debris. Dimly, she thought of Chorban. Keeper samples burned themselves up as soon as they were harvested. Fuck, they could have used that.

Alenko and Wrex were almost clear, but she’d been closer to that massive window. Just her fucking luck. A heavy beam slammed into the floor beside her, throwing her sideways from the impact. Her barrier barely came up in time, but weak. Fuck, she was so tired. 

Her back slammed against another beam, and her sprained wrist snapped. A pained yelp broke from her throat, and her knees gave out. Metal and glass gave away, shattering and shearing apart with a high squeal. Couldn’t move. Shit, couldn’t move. Gritting her teeth, Zahra raised both her hands, forcing down a wave of nausea and black spots behind her eyes. 

A bulkhead careened toward her and she rose to her knees and pushed  _ out _ . 

Then the world went black.

* * *

Zahra coughed herself awake. Smoke burned in her lungs, and her mouth, her nose, her eyes were dry. Leaves tickled her cheeks. Pushing herself up on her good hand, she tried to get her bearings. Everything felt off to relative down. Either station gravity was fucked up, or she wasn’t on an even plane.

Or maybe both.

Disjointed impressions filtered through her head. Normandy was out there somewhere. That meant most of her crew was probably alright, especially the kids. Just meant her ground team was unaccounted for. Getting her feet under her, she stood on wobbly legs. Not good enough, Shepard, she told herself. 

Wrex was probably fine. The twisted landscape of wrenched metal made for tough going. She barely made the jump from one to the next. Had to fling her good arm out for stability. The broken arm she held close. Krogan were tough, and he wore heavy armor.

Alenko,  _ Kaidan _ —he was a good soldier, but. She kicked her ass into gear and scrambled through the ruin of the tower. There, it was clear up ahead, and she crested a curved bulkhead like it was a hill.

Alliance blue stood out amid the wreckage, and Anderson turned around at the hard smack of her boots on metal. His broad features went from solemn to uplifted in the space of a heartbeat. Always good to see Anderson, but. But there, there  _ he _ was. No hiding that she was far gone there. Not anymore. Not after—he caught her gaze, and a subdued smile curved his mouth. It was his eyes though that told the whole story. It was like he was watching the sun rise, and Zahra stood up a little straighter. She grinned lazily.

“Know anywhere to get a good beer?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And then they went and got beer, and it looked like this:


	30. Fall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zahra Shepard's checklist: Galaxy saved, check. Beer had, check. Shore leave with her new boyfriend-thing, double check.

“You know, when I first thought about ice skating, I thought it would be fun. What’s not to like about cutting through ice with knives on your shoes, but you know what, Kay?” His brow furrowed. She hadn’t meant to say it like that, but it just popped out. God damn, he was trouble.

The corners of his lips turned up though, and in that honey over gravel voice, “What’s that,  _ Zee _ ?”

“This is stupid and I hate it.”

He laughed. That deep, chest rumbling laugh that crinkled the corners of his dark eyes. Even when he laughed and she was flat on her ass from falling— _ again _ —he was still too sexy for her own damned good.

The offered hand to help her up was well meant, but she glared at it. Gritting her teeth, she pushed herself back up, the ice slick under her gloves, her skates, her  _ everything _ . But she was upright again, and that was what mattered. Kaidan, insufferably  _ Canadian _ Kaidan, merely skated backwards.  _ Fucking backwards _ away from her to give her room, his hands held up in front of himself. Surrendering or warding her off, Zahra didn’t care. She could get this, and she didn’t need  _ help _ .

“I’m a God damned Spectre, for fuck’s sake,” she muttered. “I saved the fucking galaxy!” At least no one else was around to witness this. Something to be said for out of the way moons and the mandatory week of shoreleave. 

Except  _ this _ moment had been more ‘fall on your ass like a graceless lump’ and less ‘rip each other’s clothes off.’

But what did she expect from a man who thought it was fun to combine shore leave and freezing temperatures? Next time longer shoreleave, she promised herself, somewhere  _ warm _ .

One clunky, awkward step after the next, Zahra willed herself forward on the frozen river. Kaidan kept an easy pace beside her, hands clasped behind his back and wisely not saying a damned thing. He didn’t have to. His raised brows and half-grinning lips told her enough. Eventually the amusement fled from his face as she trudged on, ice chipping up from her skates.

“If you’re not having fun, we can call it quits.” He spoke softly, and for half a second she thought about throwing in the proverbial towel. And in the half second of lapsed concentration, the toe of her skate caught and she pitched forward onto the ice.

Flinging her arms out reflexivity, her biotics cracked over her skin followed by Kaidan’s not a half second later. Their fields met and sparked as he grabbed her arm, but he only ended up dragged down with her. She hit the ice with her elbow first, and the impact twanged up her arm. Kaidan fell ass-backwards, grunting at the hit. Blue light coruscated around them both for a breathless and jarred moment.

Their breath steamed in the cold air, and his eyes were wide and startled.

The corners of her lips twitched. Once. Twice, and she threw her head back and laughed. Laughed and pointed and fell over onto the ice. “Oh, how the mighty Canadian has fallen!”

“Feeling better now?” A wry grin curved his mouth, and she smiled with a mouth that she’d always thought was too wide. But he seemed to like it just fine. That he liked a lot of things just fine was still a new idea she was testing the edges of. That night before Ilos had been—he stood up easily, testing the slide of his skates. Zahra watched him with an appreciative eye and smirked.

“Actually, yeah. Come on, let’s keep going, I’m gonna defeat skating yet!”

“You don’t defeat—never mind. I’m sure you’ll conquer ice skating before the day is out.”

“Damn right I will, now,” she said with the snap of command and holding her hand out. “Help me up, and let’s get back to it.”

His head cocked; she knew that look. It was the Kaidan-Alenko-is-figuring-something-out look; all distant eyes and quirked eyebrow and jutting jaw. What he was figuring out, she couldn’t tell. That look was normally reserved for tech. Then a slow smile spread over his face and he held his hand out. She took it and let him haul her up. Offering a lazy salute, he said, “Yes, ma’am.”

Zahra shook her head and forged on. 

Maybe she’d never get the hang of it. Gliding wasn’t her style, but she could admit it. There was no one else she’d rather fall down with.


End file.
